CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - You’ve developed some pretty bad stress habits since the lockdown started, but changing your tires is the worst one. 

Taurus - Sure, you were making a statement wearing sandals with socks. And that statement was, "I'm avoiding human interaction."

Gemini - You'll mistake the aromachologist's sudden interest for love, when she is really piqued by your clinically-undesirable flatulence. 

Cancer - The response to your controversial podcast will be somewhat disappointing, as all of your no listeners disagree with you. 

Leo - Your own Being John Malkovich experience won't let you control a thespian's mind, but that of an old vintage Umco tackle box. 

Virgo - The good news is, that awful, terrible chapter of your life is over. Unfortunately the epilogue comes next. 

Libra - You're not sure if the chef is high, but it's the only way to explain why your steak is covered in clam chowder. 

Scorpio - Nothing was covered when your 1984 Ford Tempo fell apart, but what do you expect from Shitty Car Rentals Incorporated?  

Sagittarius - Despite all efforts to look your best during your 15 minutes of fame, you'll go viral in a video picking your nose as you crap in the woods. 

Capricorn - Your one-man personal submarine is super kick-ass but it sure doesn't leave much room in the bathtub.

Aquarius - You should've known there wouldn't just be like, a hornet's nest, if there weren't like, a bunch of hornets around. 

Pisces - Just because you can eat a super long Slim Jim all in one bite, doesn't mean the whole subway car wants to watch you do it.