Discover your fortune!

Aries - Their insults kind of hurt, but they were right about the Jujyfruits literally spilling from your lips. 

Taurus - You’re not supposed to see the bride before you wed, sure, but don’t you think you should’ve met first?

Gemini - Something about the concept of digital trading cards of yourself isn’t working, like you should’ve made more than one.

Cancer - Sad to say, but the stars accidentally put your fortune in a cookie at the Southdale P.F. Chang’s.

Leo - There’s no better time in life, than approximately forty-two days, 16 hours and 39 minutes from now. 

Virgo - Your date was cool to learn you have cats but she’s not gonna like that you carry them around in your trenchcoat.

Libra - This new business venture could be pretty lucrative, although, you’re not sure how much blood to keep for yourself. 

Scorpio - If someone calls you an NPC you’re gonna cut to the chase and ask what you should eat for dinner. 

Sagittarius - They were impressed you were a “high roller” until you brought out your skates. 

Capricorn - Even with a news crew and Guinness judges at your house you can never tell anyone about the size of your poopie. 

Aquarius - You will inherit a collection of used paper clips. 

Pisces - Years ago, you woke up doing phantom hand movements, unable to tell what was going on until someone put a Hurdy Gurdy on your lap and you played Fur Elise.