Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - It's been nice not seeing the inlaws for a while, but seems like the Boomers upstairs are aggressively trying to adopt you. 

Taurus - Your stay-at-home haircut looks like you got into a fight with the clippers, and the clippers won by hacking your face.

Gemini - Judging from the glub count, your goldish audience found that last joke pretty low-brow.

Cancer - Despite what seems like a sure-fire hit, Netflix will continue to pass on your epic Fire Ant King docuseries.

Leo - At precisely the same moment you notice something has been chewing on the drywall, you'll look down to realize it was you.

Virgo - Your neighbors are starting to suspect--with good reason--that you haven't worn any deodorant in weeks.

Libra - Proud as you are, it’s a little too early to note your virus antibodies on your Tinder profile.

Scorpio - Unfortunately, playing a ton more online D&D doesn't qualify as "progress in spite of circumstances." 

Sagittarius - Now that you’ve had so much time to finish writing your book, it’s pretty clear: there’s not gonna be any book.

Capricorn - The fortune teller was right about being trapped at home. But she never mentioned the wasps and mariachi bands.

Aquarius - This is probably a good time to throw out your business plans for an international chain of wet-market megaplexes.

Pisces - Your pet may be having an identity crisis, but it's your fault for giving it a name like Kitty Puppy.