Performance-Dehancing Substance Use Sidelines Kickballer

Performance-Dehancing Substance Use Sidelines Kickballer

July 5, 2021

Fans were shocked community-wide to hear that Peewee Henderson, captain of the local Kadet Kickball team The Chuggy Rickets, has been kicked off the team following allegations of using the performance-dehancing substance, cannabis. Kadet Kickball, a sport in which the worst team wins, has banned cannabis, physical blindfolding, and any other method of dehancing one's performance, since the doping scandal of '69, a year in which not a single point was scored across the league. 

"It's a shame,” said coach Phillup Mabole, “Henderson was already just the worst. He really didn't need a boost."

Leading the league in fouls and causing triple plays, the notoriously-clumsy Henderson almost always struck out, or tripped his way to the bases. But critics say that puffing likely attributed to his all-star space-out, excess weight from munchies, shortness of breath, penchant for accidentally running backwards, limited willpower and loss of drive--all which would dehance performance, as is controversially believed.

"Ahem, with 100% confidence, smaking is detrimental to performance in the classical sense and no one of sound mind would think otherwise," said cannabinoids professor Elaine Goodman of Cannatown University, "unless that person was completely uneducated and unfamiliar with the entire concept of cannabis."

Likewise, commentary from above was tellingly brief. "Rules is rules," shrugged league president, Shmoe Shmiden.

Crushed, Henderson burned through a half-wax-half-Cookies blunt by himself and couldn't be reached for comment. But several players agreed to speak only under the veil of anonymity. "Thing is most of us cheef all the time, it's the only way to play my absolute silliest," said one. “It's nothing compared to those dudes in the National Flower League (NFL) or National Bud Association (NBA),” said another. 

If you didn't have players smaking kind bud,” warned a coaching staff member, “there would be no such thing such thing as Kadet Kickball."

The full saga of Henderson’s demise has been unfolding since earlier in the year. Umpires were first suspicious of his insistence on running around the bases twice per point--each time, skipping around the shortstop. He often left his centerfield post to buy hotdogs. And there was the incident wherein huge gunks of peanut butter kept appearing on the kickball, allegedly from his signature moccasin shoe, which was later found covered in ants in the locker room. A formal investigation was launched after the ballplayer suited up in a sumo wrestling suit to kick the ball, and tackled the pitcher instead of running for first base.

“Only in a sport where losers win, would cannabis even be an issue,” concluded Goodman.