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Dispatches from the Highlands

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News from CannaTown
January 20, 2019
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Dispatches January 20, 2019

First Stoned Robot Completes the Infamous Cinnamon Challenge

Satchelmo-4200, who first made news for his ability to mimic the tired, awful stoned dancing of modern hippies, today completed his first try of the now-dated cinnamon challenge.
   “It did not go well,” said researcher Jenny Malone. “Satchelmo insisted on going to the store himself, and in a classic cadet…

I’m Glad I Smaked the Whole Last Bowl

Dr. Basil Wilberforce January 20, 2019

I know I’ll regret it in the morning, but looking back now these past twenty minutes, I’m glad I smaked it. The bowl. I’m glad I smaked the whole thing, even if it constituted the final crummerts of my satchel, by George.
   You know, my fellow cadets get into these dreadful routines where they brush the last of…

Breaking News: Mr. Catty Boom Boom Has Eaten All of the Cupcakes

Dispatches January 20, 2019

After several minutes of reported terror and chaos in the kitchen, sources now confirm that Mr. Catty Boom Boom has chowed through all the cupcakes. Two dozen chocolate patisseries had been open to all fellow residents as of Saturday night, when Dave brought them back from the wedding he catered. Long a topic at this morning’s wake and bake, the…

Point-Counterpoint - Hot-boxing is just a hoax

Carl and Rutherford Jenkins January 20, 2019

Hot-Boxing is just a hoax

I’m not high. I don’t feel high. Guys, I am absolutely honest-to-Gus, not high. Did you just say How Dank is Your Love, Rufus? Is that a Bee Gees song? Jeez, I hated that band. Not so much for their music, but for the way they walked. 
   I’ll tell you what,…

News in Brief

Dispatches January 18, 2019

4:20 to Yuma Bites the Dust Again

For the fourth time in three weeks, the 4:20 to Yuma has bitten the big one, this time skidding off the high rails and out of Skunkplume Station’s atrium glass in a devastating fail upon textbook fails. Officials are asking the public not to touch or try to remove the locomotive…

That Guy Over There Definitely Has Bud

Horace Blankenship January 18, 2019

So here’s the setup: It’ Friday night, you call me over to smake before the show, I come over with a half-O Gorilla Glue, you’ve got straight up 8-month flowered Haze for the occasion, and we roll a thick couple of Philly B’s, just killer stogies like mobsters, so we can put up with this crazy charade, and what do…

Album Notes - Best Mix of 2018

Erickson January 17, 2019

While the calendar says it's now 2019, we're digging our heels into 2018’s best. The year provided a depth of highly enjoyable albums, but not many that utterly, unequivocally, knocked my socks off. Looking back at my favorites from 2017, I would rank at least a handful of those ahead of pretty much everything I heard this year.

The Dankest Dough-Nuts

Cousin D January 17, 2019

If you’ve got some time to kill on a winter’s day, then why not try your hand at some homemade donuts! There’s a lot of waiting between steps, but time flies when you bake! 

The dough 
10 tsp or 4 packets of active dry yeast
14 cups flour
2 and 1/2 cups…

How dare you wreck Rice Krispies Treats

Rutherford Jenkins January 17, 2019

To the sniveling cumberworld who made Rice Krispies treats with that store bought jar of marshmallow cream, I say, how dare you good sir, how dare you? These krispy bars aren’t gooey sticky -- they are gelatinous oozing puscles undeserving of human consumption. They are undeserving of consumption by even the vilest of creatures on this wretched earth, mind…

The Local Shelli's: Biggest Award Night in Cannatown

Dispatches January 16, 2019

Billed as the “smallest big event in The Highlands,” the “Shelli’s” kicked off Sunday afternoon, attracting a tiny green-carpet crowd eager to get a glimpse of the biggest names in Shelli-world. In all, about twenty Shelli-stars congregated at the gazebo in Hashbury Park, and ignored the dawdling crowd, as they looked and spoke only to themselves.

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