Academics to Dig Through 20lb Ice Cream Meteor
Remember that 20-pound chunk of ice cream that blasted through a man’s roof last week? “Boom, this huge scoop of ice cream just came out of nowhere through our ceiling,” Ken Malman said over the weekend. “It only missed the family cat by inches.”
Malman, of Mount Hasherhorn, said he was just starting to load a wake and bake bowl when
the giant scoop of ice cream, flavored mint chip, landed on the other side of the coffee table. The incident left both him, and his cross-eyed cat, traumatized, even though both devoured an estimated third of the scoop before managing to shove the rest in a nearly-empty freezer.
But, eager to know exactly who and what could produce a huge flying scoop of ice cream, Malman contacted professors at Cannatown University to pick it up for analysis. The Department of Megamunchies were able to give Dispatches a look into the research they’ve done.
"Well it's really creamy mint," Dr. Phillips said, wiping bits of chocolate from his beard. "Right now it's a little contaminated with stuff like insulation and this poor gentleman's roof. But apart from that, its gooey, fudgy center was a real treat for us all.”
“I’m glad we brought extra spoons,” he added.
Doctor Voulter, another lead researcher, labeled the find as a megameteorscoop, or, a very large chunk of ice cream, which, despite being almost physically impossible to occur naturally near earth’s surface, form under psychedelic atmospheric conditions in the Highlands, specifically in the ‘tripoutsphere,’ or upper-lower atmosphere.
“Maybe a dozen of these fall around the world, but we really don’t have any idea how they form,” Dr. Voulter said. “The science isn’t just in its infancy; the fact is, most of the time, when huge 20-50 pound scoops of ice cream land anywhere, they are almost always eaten immediately as mega-munchies by the local civilians. Throughout history.”
“The only similar story we’ve heard of in recent years concerns a tribe in the South Pacific who ate through a massive pile of Cookie Dough Vanilla Bean before it went bad,” Phillips recalled. But the “fairy tale” came with a warning: “There is no reason to try to find these scoops--they’re completely random--or, to stop their estimated terminal velocity of 150 miles per hour.”
“In this way, megameteorscoops are lethal as they are tasty,” Phillips said sternly.
It is due to the rarity of finding one somewhat still intact, that has researchers all abuzz about the specimen. “I can’t wait to dig in, and get a bite of knowledge,” said Vivica Carlyle, graduate student at CU. “The question on everybody’s mind, first and foremost, is whether this ice cream is as good, or better, than Häagen Dazs.” Researchers are planning a 12-week study, or "'til it runs out."