Discover Your Fortune! 

Aries - Your "superhero" team of Super-Dabbers will never get off the ground. Mostly because of the Urkle rosin you keep dabbing. 

Taurus - Ignore that voice inside you, it's just trying to sell juice as a side hustle. 

Gemini - Maybe if you clean up all the puke and tears, your date will actually think you're hardcore for hitting such a huge steamroller.

Cancer - In your defense, you’ve been singing loudly because of the Kush spliff, and second thing, you didn’t realize this was a choir.

Leo - Nobody said they were an expert on fruit snacks. But you've had way too many fruit snacks.

Virgo - You'll create the first stoner-generated language for A.I., which on its base level is a series of “woah’s,” “hey man's,” “far out's,” and other rich subtext meant to explain nachos.

Libra - It will suddenly dawn on you that you are gazing at a box of Vagistat 7. Wrong aisle, dude!

Scorpio - These people barely appreciate your dancing monkey, much less that he studied at Juilliard. 

Sagittarius - You were excited that they made a movie about your life, until it somehow went straight to VHS.

Capricorn - Life will lose all meaning this week, when your mail-order conch shell arrives, and instead of the ocean, you hear a sad, distant carnival.

Aquarius - Sure, it's a little weird, but where else can you eat a whole package of Oreos without being bothered these days, except the bathroom?

Pisces - Like the settlers of Catan, so too will you live an arid, loveless life.