Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - You’re beginning to suspect that it wasn’t gingivitis that killed your giant deformed mutant of a cousin. 

Taurus - Nobody really cares that you're vegan, but everbody is interested in what you're going to name the chicken that sits atop your head. 

Gemini - It's late and there's nothing more to say. Except maybe, I'm sorry I got stoned and drove my go-cart into your backyard wedding.

Cancer - After everything that's happened, the one thing that you keep coming back to, is that you could really go for some nachos.

Leo - They're all just jealous of your witty banter. That's why they keep making fun of the way you drink water from a glass.

Virgo - Now that they lifted the lockdown, it'll feel good to get away from all the barrels of toxic waste in your studio apartment.

Libra - Sure you're upset that you never won an award. But you can't just, like, go win the Olympics.

Scorpio - While you may never know if you would've survived Covid, at least you somehow survived drinking all that bleach. 

Sagittarius - You've been watching a lot more fishing shows lately because you've somehow become addicted to sheer, painful boredom.

Capricorn - The stars are way too busy this week to give advice but incase you're wondering, they're registered at Pier One.

Aquarius - It was big of you to squash your beef, but now it's on your shoe and a pack of wild dogs is following dangerously close.

Pisces - The girl didn't seem very enthused about listening to your order. Then again, she doesn't work here.