Cadets Make Their Way Into Space

Cadets Make Their Way Into Space

June 19, 2021

A Spaced-X Green Dragon spacecraft, carrying four somewhat confused astronauts, launched this morning from Cape Cannaveral in the Highlands, beginning what could be a six-month stay in space, depending on their ability to circumnavigate the earth from orbit whilst astronomically high. 

This launch marked the third flight for Elaine Mux’s company and the first to make use of a rocket booster and spacecraft purchased on eBay. The stoner cadets aboard, led by captain Maggie McBudder, are now headed toward the International Space Station, although it has long been unclear whether the spacecraft is compatible to dock, or if the team knows how to get to the ISS, or if they have, like, enough oxygen.

The Green Dragon capsule, named Enduder, previously carried banjoist Red Murdoch from local renegade bluegrass band, Guten Tag Hérr Jones, to the moon last spring. It was posted on eBay and purchased as part of Spaced-X’s reusability and low-budget business plan, that intends to make the best of recovered parts, hardware, and anything that can be purchased for pennies on the dollar and resold for flower at nearby pawn shops. 

After enjoying some time at the hookah lounge near Dutchie Beach, the crew regrouped shortly before midnight to roll a couple of blunts, pick playlists, and set up black lights in the cockpit. For several minutes they were strapped into their seats as the command team went through safety protocols and checked the oil. They also did their best to explain the concepts and effects of zero gravity to rookie crew member Ricky Piffkin, who last week quit his job stocking shelves at King Stupors grocery store and admitted to the others shortly after donning the uniform that he had never before been on a plane.

Then, just after 4:20 am, with crew and launch team fully cheefed out, the boosters fired up and blasted the spacecraft at roughly 4,200 miles per hour, successfully into space. Unlike the first two missions flown by Spaced-X, the craft went further than fifty feet, and also did not end up flying backward.