Hey duders, you mind if I bum a smake? Even if I can’t get a whole joint, I’d be happy to just smake all your roaches. I don’t deserve good bud. I’m a hack, a novice, a grade-A moron. I just lost like $420 in a matter of hours. How? On Dogecoin! And right before I was about to go spend the money wisely, on something more long-term like a satchel! Good gravy. This is shaping up to be the worst 420 ever since, like, that one year that we all had to start living indoors.

I hate to beg, but what am I supposed to to do? Last night on 420’s Eve, I got ripped right as the clock struck midnight, and then I was like, that’s it, I’m gonna YOLO the rest of my security deposit on this Dogecoin, because, like, I just wanted to be a millionaire. Quick million bucks! That, and it was right at 42 cents. Deja vu, right? It felt familiar. So I bought a ton, thinking, I’d wake up this morning and be like, driving around in a Rolls Royce on the way to work. 

Man it sucked to wake up. The price was just putzin’ around. I was like, “Hello, corporate marketing just fudged up the first meme hive jackpot,” and couldn’t help but slump around all morning waiting for life signs on my stupid app. I even brought the phone into the stupid shower. By mid-morning I’d lost enough dough for a huge satchel, and by the afternoon, it was way down, at just the moment I wanted to go pickup my smake for the holiday! The spite was real, you wouldn’t believe it. $420 down by 4:20, right down the drain!  

I thought I was going to be ordering like, burritos for the whole apartment building today. I was gonna go out and buy one of those waffle makers they have at hotels, that like, flips over, and I was going to make a foot-tall belgian waffle tower with strawberries and like, ten cans of whipped cream. I was going to sit around in a new Hefner bathrobe sipping Jim Beam while they installed my new living room hot tub! I was gonna turn my apartment into Graceland!

But no! Now it’s gonna be a rough month. No more kind bud for me. I’m gonna be smaking steems guys, scraping resin. In fact that reminds me, you guys got any old pieces layin’ around? I’ll take ‘em home and scrape ‘em and clean ‘em right up, pro bono! I brought my backpack and some bubble wrap to take home whatever rotten, danky old bongs and spoons you have. I’m not too proud to smake resin for a month, and knowing me it’ll only take a week to churn through even your blackest, foulest pieces.

You know what? It might not be over for me. Maybe if everybody pitches in and buys like, a couple thousand bucks of Doge right now, we can still make me a millionaire. I don’t see why anyone shouldn’t be completely down with that plan. I totally promise if we do that, guys, it’s stuffed crust pizza for everyone. I’m buying. Just please don’t make me go through 420, smaking only the crust off my grinder. Stupid Doge.