CEA and City Officials Vow to Leave No Bowl Unpacked CEA and City Officials Vow to Leave No Bowl Unpacked
April 20, 2015

CEA and City Officials Vow to Leave No Bowl Unpacked

New Report, Horror Stories Spark Action

A new report is prompting the city into expanding the public cannabis system to include Wednesday night distribution in addition to the current biweekly schedule; authorities are racing to address the recent wave of light satchels and other signs of impoverished citizenry. The Cannabis Enforcement Agency (CEA) in conjunction with the Bureau of Municipal Supply, released an official report that more bowls have gone unpacked this season than in the last five years, and that some town residents are even “dabbing crumbs of their own earwax.”
   “A handful of people were found last night after smoking resin,”said Captain Martin Sanders. “Here, on the streets of CannaTown! They were burning resin, spread upon a bed of moldy stems, for godsakes. They’d been scraping for five hours! It was an emotional night for all of us.”
   The numbers of such cases have authorities now considering city-wide bowl-monitoring and packing by the CEA, a step that, while offering an extremely-welcomed service to the entire population, poses a “major buzzkill of a workload.”
   “To monitor every spoon, bubbler, dab rig, chillum, vape, sherlock, spliff and blunt wrap in town would be an undertaking the facilitation of which would require staffing the entire population,” commented Ray Keene, professor of Law at CannaTown University (CTU). “A workforce would have to be hired by the public, to fulfill that one task day and night.”
   “It’s a very political issue,” he added.
   The report does not mince words, however, and it’s clear that a growing percentage are running out far earlier, no matter how much is conserved.
   In a cited example, CEA agents had to break down a door and load a bong for a small group who had “scraped together from around the house every last speck that resembled a leaf, including couch fuzz, and were about to commit group pufficide.” On another occasion, a highland town cut off by a late Spring snow had to receive grocery bags of Island Sweet Skunk by airlift. The villagers met service members at the gymnasium and together loaded a two-gallon communal bowl.
   Officials said the shortage has affected other sectors, such as local donut vendors, and Clear Eyes. Increasing numbers of concert attendees have been caught selling “non-infused” food. Among younger supply-concscious users, the popular zen is to exhale each hit into a balloon in order to pass a “puff around” and use more efficiently. But officials wonder if that will be enough to pace the rest of CannaTown through until the next major harvest.
   “We promise every citizen that we are working day and night on this issue.” said Sanders. “The CEA gets their satchel pension the same as everybody else. This affects everyone.”

Work to Chief Provides Alternative Way To Chief, Live

For those who can’t apply for Public Cannabis, a new program gets flower into the hands of those who still want to contribute to society.
   Offered to refugees from other states who migrated to CannaTown without securing a job,  the “Work to Chief” program provides work, a roof over the head, a bunk to sleep, and the joy of getting totally ripped, four times a day, standard.
   “We found these brothers and sisters among us, taking crumbs of buds from the joints in city ashtrays, gathering outside of our bong bars in the wee hours for the night staff to throw out the scraps,” said director Arnie Sanz. “At first we thought it was just young people. But these are mothers and uncles, and grandparents too. They’re ex-lawyers, ex-analysts, ex-librarians. When you see them hitting resin through an empty pipe -- it just breaks your heart.”
   The enrollees are given the chance to earn more bud with more work - one said that he’d been working 60-80 hours a week, not only to stay permanently medicated, but also to support his friends and loved ones at home. “We have food,” he said. “We don’t really need any food. But do you have a spare five-bud?”
   Another worker told of coming to CannaTown with images of endless fields and never-ending nuggetry. But a different reality awaited her: “It turned out I couldn’t grow bud fast enough to keep up with my use,” she said. “It hurt, but I kept cutting back, kept cutting back, until I forgot who I was.”

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