CHIEFERS CONSIDER CHANGING SPORTS

Dispatches from the Highlands

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After three humiliating games, each worse than the previous, the Cannatown Chiefers, long the city's sole, unprosperous volunteer team of footballers, are considering a change in sports, perhaps something "with less contact." Team coach Wally Bunkerson says the games have just become too much to bear. For instance, after Quarterback Braggerton Butts' fourth interception to a signpost, most of the players just gave up and whipped out blunts to share on the bench.

Though the question has crossed every Chiefers fan, certainly, there has always been enough evidence for it. Their league record, 1-9 is not only the worst; it's been the worst for six straight seasons. But they've got more than just their terrible motor skills and negligible talent to overcome. The league forbids teams from leaving the league before end of the season; mixing of sports is strictly prohibited. But that doesn't mean the Chiefers won't try. "We've been kicking around a sort of combination of tennis, basketball and kick the can, that we call Biolo-ball," said Bunkerson. "We've thought about incorporating archery but that's getting just a touch abstract. Then again, this point we're open to any event that isn't humiliating."

STONED MORON IMPLICATED IN GIANT FINANCIAL FRAUD CASE

In a surprising turn of events, inept stoner Arthur Q. Pennywhistle has been implicated in a fraud case that city attorneys say stretches far beyond the size and scope of infamous corruption of Con Artists Inc. last spring. Between March and November 2019, Pennywhistle allegedly took satchels from clients, then forged finance agreements with bud insurance underwriters, ensuring the client had the policy issued while Pennywhistle smaked the bud. Contracts largely went unpaid and insurance was canceled, without the original satchel-owner even aware. “I did what in the what now?” Pennywhistle is quoted as saying in his court response.

In a press conference with the defendant and his lawyer, the very blazed Dabsville resident made a plea to the public in a last-ditch effort to delay his likely sentencing. “I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing here,” he begged, adding, “No seriously, I don’t even know what an underwriter does, I don’t have clients, I’m just a stoner dude who hangs out at the pinball arcade with Ryan and Jo Jo.” Authorities spent most of the day Monday seizing items from Pennywhistle’s office, stating that they’d investigate everything from weeks-old laundry, to the six boxes of half-eaten breadsticks on his desk. “It’s not my desk, it’s my bed,” Pennywhistle said. "And I'm still eating those."
 

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