Major Cannatown Employer To Require Positive Drug Test

Major Cannatown Employer To Require Positive Drug Test

October 14, 2021

With the downturn of the economy looming on Cannatown, one of its oldest and biggest employers, Two-Star Manufacturing, has announced they will begin testing for Delta-9 THC in employment screening as it seeks to expand operations at a time when applicants are in short supply. But the company says it’s the only surefire way to know if a staff member will be able to handle the full spectrum of terpy, dank nuggersh.

“Only science can confirm that an employee actually does consume THC, such that we can place them appropriately by level of tolerance,” said spokesperson Eluva Sweetskunk, who reiterated that measures go into effect next month, pending a rigorous adjunct review by the janitorial staff.

Although considered controversial, Two-Star policy has long-maintained that levels of THC-use, measured via screening, are meant to ensure employees are matched with the salary--paid in cannabis and cannabis-derived goods--at an adequate market-potency value. In the early 2000’s, such matching fell by the wayside--but now Two-Star is committing to a zero-tolerance policy. Essentially, any applicants, or employees, with zero tolerance, will be fired immediately.

“There’s no way in hell we’re paying someone around here in shwag or brick,” Sweetskunk said. “It’s just company policy. Specifically, section 4.2.0.”

For years, the industry’s trend of low-grade “ditchweed-positions” led to “terrible craftsmanship” and, as far as Two-Star workplace accidents go, an era of “near-daily amputations and traumatizing spectacles.”

Those grimy dime-sacks are a thing of the past now.

However, some prospective employees, wary of the new policy, are reportedly spooked. “I’ve only been smokin’ middies and a couple tops to hold me lately,” one offered anonymously. “But I don’t want them thinkin’ I’m just middie-level-material.”

Another, applying for an executive level position, was suddenly worried about his prospects. “I’m really looking for a high-potency sativa long-term--That’s why I’m honestly wondering about having a buddy do the test for me,” he admitted, nervously running his finger under a luxury Snucci-brand hemp necklace.

Elsewhere, cash-strapped recruiters have been forced to forego testing, instead using rudimentary forms of screening, such as “fast-tracking anyone who applies or interviews in their pajamas,” as a stop-gap solution, according to staffing manager Joan Zenferhash of Cannatown Wizzorks! job agency.

“Interviewers are becoming quite keen on details like bits of pizza in the beard, smeared lip-stick on the forehead, even the stench of week-old cheese wontons,” she said. “It’s not as exact as a drug-test--but in this hiring famine, we’re learning to rely on common sense.”