Aries - As you're about to discover, there are worse things than waking up teetering on a plank on the edge of a cliff over the ocean. 

Taurus - This is the third time you've been pulled over, this month alone! Seems like you need to start driving frontwards again.

Gemini - Your cat is an asshole for eating all those ballots, but at least they were for the other guy.

Cancer - Looks like you’re gonna have to roll up your sleeves and kill two stones with one bird.

Leo - Don't tell Aquarius, but the Stars just completely pulled that fortune from a horse’s ass.

Virgo - There’ll be time for questions after you’re booked, but the biggest is, did your Grandma know she asked to be picked up near a crowd of hookers?

Libra - It's actually all that chloroform that's making you sleepy, but you're right, the holiday turkey dinner sure ain't helpin'. 

Scorpio - You’ll never find true happiness, but you will find a fair-condition Jim Fregosi card--and at least eight people would call that a consolation prize of sorts. 

Sagittarius - Give it up. Nobody likes your puppet shows, especially not on the subway. 

Capricorn - You should probably be angrier to find out your steak was 3D-printed, but it really didn’t cook any different on the radiator. 

Aquarius - Finally you will meet the voice in your head; his name is Milton and he's a singer. 

Pisces - While you sit in a pool of your own diarrhea, your ex, shouting death-threats as your landlord breaks down the door of your Section 8 apartment, you’ll realize, your parents f*cked up.