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Hey Homies, That Black Hole Looks Like Sauron

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Whoa dudes, did you see that photo of the black hole today? Total head warp, man. It’s as I always pictured it: there's some light, and then in the center of that, a hole. And yep, you guessed it, that hole is really black.

But you know what, bro? I've seen that thing before. I have, no, seriously. It's the eye of Sauron. Yea, the eye, all seeing, orcs and hobbits and stuff. You know? Of Baradoober? Frodo and Samwise had to run constantly to avoid the gaze, but just look at this black hole. It's looking at me. It can see me. Like I'm wearing a freakin ring!

What? Oh yea, would ya like to sample this Durban? I've been puffing on it since breakfast.

So I've seen Sauron. Yea, before. No, not in the movies. Right here in this room. Yea. He was real as I stand before you. The eye. You're damn right I crapped my pants! I was pukin’ too, it was awful. You would too, if you had a ten-foot flaming eyeball on your couch! Sauron told me about some special powers, I can't remember now, something something about the ring and then it all ended with, “I had to get an order of cheese curds from Heckels.” For the sake of middle earth.

What? Yea, I'd smaked at least three full giant steamroller bowls of this Poison, why?

I'll never forget it, and that's why, when I look at this space picture I almost hear the sound of hobbits laughing in the background. You hear that? You hear that too! Oh my gosh, psychedelic man! It’s like aurora borealis in our ears. Oh wait, that's just my roommate playing Parappa the Rapper.

Black holes? They don't worry me, what's the worst that could happen? Suck you in and weigh you with extra gravity and take your energy? Sounds like a tight Kush! But Shiz, yo, Sauron's got armies and dragons, the nazgul fudgers, old freaky skeleton king ghosts. And why did King Araquat take so freakin’ long to bring out those green dudes in the mountain? Hello! Why didn't you think of that nine hours ago?

That Durban still rollin?


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