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High Court Abolishes Bathtub Toaster Protection Bureau

November 3, 2022

In a move almost nobody saw coming, due to landing audaciously beyond the realm of general stonerdom, a high court has decided to abolish the Bathtub Toaster Protection Bureau. 

Founded in 2010, the bureau had saved countless lives, following a decades-long scourge of toaster-in-bathtub related electrocution deaths due to deceptive and unfair business practices. One of the largest such incidents, leading almost directly to the bureau’s creation, was the sub-prime crisis of the late aughts, in which bathtub toasters were specifically--and murkily--packaged and sold as a baguette-and-steak DIY-bistro. 

“Alas, they were still bathtub toasters at heart,” said Canngresswoman Representative, Kali Losby. “You perch it on the bathtub’s edge or nearby counter, plug it in, and then, some time during the bath, you die. About half of the people out there get fried.”

In the old days, you could order a car, or house, or education, or bean bag chair from a catalog, always with the huge risk that you might end up back at home with a bathtub toaster. And especially for those in lower tax brackets, who had to take what they could get, most found themselves instead holding a bathtub toaster, if not several. 

“Probably nobody realizes how bad it was, now that we’ve had a whole decade living without them,” Losby said, “If you look at death records, you’ll see that many victims had three or four bathtub toasters plugged in at all times.” 

The court, a group of three people who may or may not have been smoking hourly bong rips for four weeks straight, ruled that the bureau simply can’t exist because Canngress doesn’t pay them directly. “The banks shouldn’t have to pay a dime for the bureau, it’s not fair,” said lobbyist Pembrake Garsehole, “They absolutely don’t have the money, since someone made them stop taking out overdraft fees five times per day from the poorest people in society.” It should be noted that many of the banks Garsehole mentioned were known as the worst peddlers of bathtub toasters in the history of humankind.

However, the moment was not lost on one group: Bathtub Toaster peddlers rejoiced outright, both on social media, and in person. Even IDK Technical Institute reopened, offering a new 2-year program in Quiet-Quitting at $100,000 per semester with loans at 86% interest. Every graduate will receive a whole semi-truckload of bathtub toasters. 

“This is a win, not for the scam economy, but for the future of bathtub toasters!” said Rodinia Devilson, owner and CEO of BTElite, a bathtub toaster manufacturer. “Can we not all embrace the warmth and joy of fresh toast while you bathe? Is there no better way to go?”