I can’t believe they’re selling that crappy phone I made

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Oh my gosh guys, I just realized they're selling that terrible phone I made at work! Yea, the one that smashes and breaks when it flips! I even said to my sup the other day, “Dude, I’m so high, this phone I made is totally shitty and I’m too ripped to even figure out how to turn it on right now,” and he just laughed. I told them to fire me! I did, I swear. I said, if you put this phone on shelves, people are going to find out that your development department is literally a reefed out dude on a couch who used to deliver pizzas! Yea, remember, when I first delivered them pizza, and then they told me to stay? And then when I didn’t make any more pizzas, they let me sleep on the couch and make phones?

But you know me! I had my original dinky blue flip phone until they pried it from my cold, braindead hands one night after a huge rip. I said, dudes, look, I've been burnin’ this blunt, and I had this stupid-ass idea to make a big ol’ flip phone like my old one, so I folded a big one in half, and it cracked. So then I kept going, and I broke about 50 of 'em, and it actually took a lot more effort than you’d think. You can't just fold a phone like paper, you have to put your whole body into it, like moving a piano. But I got into a groove. And after like an hour, there’s a pile of broken phones sitting on the coffee table… and when the guy asked, hey how's it going, I just blew a ring of smoke and looked down at the phone pile and said, how does it look like it’s goin?

Then the guy said, it's close enough for now, we’ll get it down to testing, and I said, are you out of your freakin’ minds, that shit broke immediately. If you bend the stupid phones they break right in half. They could see the screens all smashed out, and I spilled bong water on at least a couple of ‘em. So finally I tried to put my foot down. I said, don’t you have like an engineer, or someone who knows electronics or something? Of course not. You fudgers, I told 'em, you fold all your phones in half and we’re gonna have a mutiny in here! We’re all gonna lose our jobs! And I left it at that. Then sure enough this morning I turn on the TV and see that foldable phone all over the place! Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me!

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