I Just Made This Satchel Last a Whole Month

I Just Made This Satchel Last a Whole Month

October 21, 2020

Anything can happen in this crazy year, and for the first time, something magical just happened at my humble little apartment: I made this satchel last a whole month. That's right ye homies of little faith, I did the impossible--something we all talk about casually but nobody’s ever seen it done. A whole month. Just imagine! Well, that’s 2020 for you.

It wasn't easy of course. First I used balloons. Every puff was at least a double-puff. Then I was really careful to remove each morsel and speck of dust from my grinder using a shaving kit brush like a compulsive archeologist. Then I pre-measured each bowl and planned a whole regimen that would get me through. I kept a satchel log and alarms on my phone. I even downloaded a satchel dieting app that paced me hard, kept my J's thin and bowls packed light.

I get a lot of satchels, but for some reason I was just being really careful with this one, some unbelievable Phnom Penh. And I saw a difference, the way the nuggersh just seemed to last. Even so, at my steady two puffs per four hours I was fast on the path to buzzkill by fortnight’s end. I realized early the first week, that I’d never make it a month, much less, a week at most. Just like 99.99% of my other satchels, I was about to roast a couple fatties until morning because it was such a lost cause trying to hold back.

Then all of a sudden, the unthinkable happened: I lost my satchel.

I thought maybe I threw it away or laundry or left it out by the bong. I tore apart my refrigerator looking for it. Then I scoured the rest of my favorite stash points but couldn’t find it. I reached a working theory after thinking and thinking and clawing at the carpet--I guessed that in a fit of highness, that I’d somehow hauled off and cheefed the whole thing, wholly unbeknownst to myself. Not entirely a far-fetched scenario, if you remember my last Thanksgiving “feast” right?

I put up signs about a missing satchel all over town. People called to say they'd spotted it, but then it turned out, they were looking at their own satchels and it was the wrong satchel. Oh wait, shit, this is the satchel I just bought, they'd say. But I didn’t let it get me down. I knew in my heart of hearts that the satchel wasn't in the garbage. I knew one day, I'd chief her again. 

I’ll admit, I was a weak man. I still went and bought me a couple other satchels in meantime. But a couple days ago, right before the month ended, I found her, crammed behind the Xbox. It was like discovering treasure, man, it was so special. This one, this one satchel lasted, the longest-term satchel I've ever had. And I wouldn’t believe it unless it happened to me.