I may be way too high to storm Area 51

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Hey dudes, I was just loadin’ up the car with our rakes, shovels and flashlights, and I was thinking about what Gus said about 14 bong rips ago, about the military and armed guard and what not -- and bros, I usually don’t say this, not never, not even before my final final before I flunked college -- but I just may be too high. I may just be too high to storm Area 51.

Bummer, right? I was picturing this awesome version of me, swinging in like Rambo, with my phone ready to snap some pics of spaceships, and how they’d have me on the front of magazines with the aliens, flexing all my muscles, like if I had some time to lift weights before the photos, and people would be all like, “there goes the guy that uncovered the government secrets about intergalactic beings.” But then I realized, man, I just tied my own shoelaces together, and they weren’t even my shoes. Like, maybe I shouldn’t go charging at armed guards in this condition?

Todd, I know you packed some mad munchies for the road. You mind if I grab some of those Cheetos before you go? I’m serious, I can’t go like this. It’s gotta be a good drive from here. Like, what, a day? Half-day? Where is Area 51? Wasn’t it actually secretly in Topeka or something? What? You’re rolling another blunt for the road and lining it with both wax and hash? Man, I am both enticed, and simultaneously horrified at how despicably cheefed out I’d be when we found the aliens. They'd definitely murder us, if the patrols don't first.

How did we all agree on this? 

Oh snap! I remember what it was. We were debating whether the UFO was a weather balloon. And Carl, you mentioned the balloons they still sell down in the park, the animal ones. I got one for my niece, an elephant, but she hated it. I don’t know why! Everyone loves elephants. What I got a hankering for, is cheeseburgers. Not one, but several. Maybe with some bacon, avocado and a little Thousand Island. Know what I’m saying? Woah! Did I forget to untie these shoelaces? I just nearly broke my neck!

What were we talkin’ about? Oh, Jiminy freakin’ Christmas, dudes, I am so incredibly smaked out.

You guys want me to unpack my shovel? Oh, damn, did I just lock your keys in the trunk? Can we just open it from the inside? Drat. Does Uber go way out there? You think they’d let you bring the pitchforks? I’m sure they’d be cool with the rakes, but it’d have to be a pretty big ride.

Now you’re saying you might take a bus? Oh, oh diddle me sideways, I shouldn’t have taken that hash cap on an empty stomach. You have any of those Cheetos, Todd? Oh, sweet bahama mama, I am way too ripped to storm Area 51.


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