Impeachment now inevitable in the House of Pancakes
International House of Pancakes Manager Rosa Mimosa has announced an impeachment inquiry into Captain of the Pancakes, Donnie Flapjacks, a historic move that comes as the Captain faces outrage from reports that he pressured another diner’s manager in an effort to smear a political rival.
It is the most direct step taken by the IHOP leader to embrace impeachment, and marks a significant escalation in the fight between serving staff and the Pancake Captain. “Captain Flapjacks must be held accountable,” Mimosa said. “No one is above the law -- which is clearly written in the Brunchstitution, our national franchise rules.”
Mimosa, who has long fought to keep the Bacon Bishop, Fries Friar and others in her caucus away from the politically divisive issue, is finally caving to the syrupy shift among staff members, following Captain Flapjack’s admission that he discussed his rival, the Donut Duke of Dunkin’ Donuts, with a ranking official at the Waffle House.
On Wednesday afternoon, Mimosa met with other leaders to discuss their options. “We will never find the proof in the pudding unless we dig through the pudding," urged Egg Handler Johnny Scramble, as he dug through the restaurant’s chocolate pudding, spoonful by spoonful. “The future of our breakfastocracy is at stake.”
One odd development has been Flapjack’s determination to scream at those dining, both insisting and denying in berzerk manner that he is "out to destroy Duke," while warning onlookers that those who quote him or ask what he means will be thrown out on the street as traitors. "It's just terrible customer service," said dishwasher Dawn Ajax. "It's like eating in a locker room where an angry man flings pancakes at you."
There have been other missteps by Flapjacks, such as his distributing copies of email conversations with the Waffle House, clearly showing that aid--in the form of emergency Rooty Tooty batter and sausage links--was being held in return for dirt on Duke's illustrious frosting and sprinkles operation.
Even worse for the Captain, was the followup incident in which his aging and acting attorney, Julie Onnie, burst into the back office and announced in a tirade of spittle and expletives, “He did it, he did it, Donnie did, he’s guilty, he’s totally guilty, and sooooo what? So what, mofos?”
Although long-time critics of the Captain applaud the inquiry as a critical step toward justice, many supporters doubt the momentum will amount to anything new. “It’s hard to believe he’d be canned for this,” noted a dismayed Ajax. “If they didn’t kick him out for pooping in the pancakes, what makes you think this would be the nail on the coffin?