INDEPTH REPORT: The Canngressional Hearings 2022

INDEPTH REPORT: The Canngressional Hearings 2022

July 7, 2022

EDITOR'S NOTE: Although controversial in nature, there is no way we could ignore the hearings currently underway at the Capitol. As journalists we are bound to report on the facts, and here we present them for our readers to draw their own conclusions. 

It was a dark day for democracy. The Cannatown Cannabis Cup, once thought to be a model of almost superior sportsmanship and craft, last year saw one of the ugliest incidents on Cannatown soil when one contender, upset when he didn’t win, began what the committee has called a “seven-part scheme” to defraud smakers of their choice in the Sativa category. 

From the participants to the officials highest on the list, grower Darnell Chump made a concerted effort across the board to change the numbers, tallies, and legitimacy of the cup finalists such that he would overturn the People’s Choice. However, with nothing changed by the award ceremony, Chump called together an angry mob of very, very high people, and convinced them to storm the event arena. Feces were smeared on the walls. Respected judges were evacuated. The results were nothing short of deadly.

The plan seemed simple enough: create a diversion long enough to declare the results and judging completely worthless and out-dated, and then call the whole thing off, meanwhile claiming victory as last year’s finalist. “Essentially, he didn’t care about winning the cup, he just wanted the trophy,” said event organizer Barney Mills.

Now a full year and half later, the Canngressional committee investigating the January 6th fiasco is gearing up to hold accountable those very high bad actors.

“I believed my own lies”

Will M’Bar testified that Chump, super stoned off his rocker, didn't listen whatsoever when M'Bar explained how voting, and tallying, and generally, numbers worked. 

“It was clear he had never personally counted past the number 30, entirely due to laziness,” the Attorney General said. “But there was no indication he was interested in the facts, much less, that he even knew I was there, because I’d really never seen him so stoned.” 

“I thought boy, if he really believes all this stuff, he’s higher than an angel on Sunday,” M’Bar says in the video. “In fact, he was acting so high--in a real alternate reality--that I later asked and tracked down the same strain. Sure enough, it was Green Crack.”

Some have used this idea to defend Chump’s forthcoming behavior, that having been so completely stoned, he may have actually thought he was right -- and therefore, entitled to walk scott-free (even despite inciting a mob to go kill those in charge of the cup). Because he was so incredibly stoned, they say, he lacked the intent because he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong.

“If that’s the defense, then he’d be the first person to ever use it, and actually win, in the history of this country,” said Professor Zen Ghou of Cannatown University. “He’d have to be totally ripped to shreds to use that excuse, but if anyone would, it’d be him." 

Judges commonly tell juries that “willful stonedness” to facts doesn’t necessarily demonstrate intent, although it does when coupled with “inciting a mob of any type," as it’s typically difficult to overlook riots and destruction, especially against such sacred institutions such as the Cannabis Cup. 

It's not clear how Chump came to believe such a narrative, but experts say it may have come from watching 12 hours per day of Faux News, where it was the narrative, or perhaps from his small troupe of lawyers, who, given their unkempt appearance and demeanors, had likely been smaking through their own Green Crack for months on end.

Direct Evidence

Somewhat hampering Chump's claim that he didn’t try to overthrow the cup results, is a full length documentary covering those attempts. There was also the full-length speech made just prior to the attack on the capitol, in which Chump, on live television, personally instructed an armed mob to start fighting at the event center. Then there's the taped conversation in which both Chump and his team asked judges to completely ignore the numbers and choose their own winner. When this failed, Chump sought to bribe officials with his own brand of edibles (turned down not only for moral reasons, but because they were cheaply made from sawdust).

Not even a shred of evidence of fraud--the crux of Chump's argument--was included in over 60 complaints filed to the County Cup Board. Accordingly, not one judge considered the claim as more than stoned rambling. 

A Scheme and a Scam

The plot thickens as new details emerge, suggesting Chump was stoned--but not incapacitated--meaning he was sober enough to calculate the risks and rewards of finding loopholes. Just prior to the incident, he asked if he could just pay to switch out the judges of the Cannabis Cup, and declare the previous winners the winners. “We all threatened to quit,” M’Bar testified, “because it was totally not cool. That's exactly what we told him.”

Also compounding Chump’s claims to an “honest” approach is the committee's revelation of his scheme to collect hundreds of millions from dedicated followers, almost all of which went to smaking weed or paying his kids and their significant others, none of whom appeared to have real jobs.

“The Smoking Bong”

The latest allegation--one that could be the 'dab nail in the coffin'--is the widely-told account by some officials that Chump asked them to "just declare the winning cannabis ain't legit and leave the rest up to me."

"That statement is the 'smoking bong' they need," said Erik Potholder, former Attorney General. Plus, the committee says, they have 1000+ texts or emails that say essentially the same thing. "At this point you have to wonder, for anyone who doesn't believe this was a grift, what the f*** else do they need to see?"