Hey to the ho, Bitterverse! Are you keeping up with the Soaps these days? Have you seen the new hunk on All My Flower Beds? He's a chiseled man who always carries a sleeve of creamy, Cannoli-style temple balls. Oh, hold me back! I don't say it often, but I've totally found my man! Oh, did you hear? Word is, Gigi Hall is dating Bryan VanAnnabee. But Escort Monthly just published their own exposé on Tristàn, and it’s uh, jaw dropping! Can you believe the things he’s said about Keyo$ha and Biggle Kimmy? Jerk! Immediate dislike and unfollow, right?

And speaking of jerks, there’s a new video circulating where some guy named Ray Hoarder is talking to his wife like she’s a piece of steak! And then she, like, takes out this hand grenade and blows him to bits! I swear that’s not gonna look good for either of them in divorce court. But he's the worst!

They say spring is supposed to be this time of love, but: this just in GHSORI fans, Haley is totally gonna drop Vaskrina for Pimboobly. I saw the pics of them out on the town as friends and hello! You can totally see the sparks. Love-It!

Then again, did you see that Tik Tok that documented the time Gruuus8me from Youtube and PicadeelioHunter420 from IG collaborated on Snapchat? I'm so sick of half-llama half-unicorns but I want one! I'd name it Wobbleytoods!

Then there's Season 6 of Grunhoolio's Houseboat that's got everyone talking. Will they? Won't they? Last rumor I heard was that Frisbee Jones was trying to renegotiate his contract, and they were thinking about bringing in Hurricane P'cane. Talk about awkward! He used to romp with the lead lady, Matilda Forknight! I'd watch it just to see them torture themselves.

Ah, springtime love, eh? Almost takes my breath away, or maybe that's the Lebanese hashish. Happy summer y'all!