Man Suffers Bout of Led Zeppelin Poisoning

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Medics had to rush a local resident, Gus Halvorson, to be treated for Led Zeppelin poisoning, after friends found him wandering the streets in the middle of the night, singing the opening to Immigrant Song over and over again. 

“At first we thought he was choking on his beer,” said buddy Brett Taylor. “But then he got to the Ice and Snow part.” 

Halvorson spent most of the earlier evening with worsening symptoms, and sat alone, playing air guitar and drumming even without music. “He was humming madly under his breath, but we could occasionally recognize the song,” Taylor said. “It was Ramble On.”

Halvorson is one of thousands to be treated for Zeppelin, a rising problem in 21 states. Health officials are becoming more aware of warning signs such a full-wall blacklight mural in a garage, rocking out in public during a guitar solo, and head-banging despite a pattern of baldness.

Halvorson was airlifted portside to join a group of drinking fisherman in an old sea chanty.

“It’s the best treatment, literally pulls the patient back away from the Zepplin to the other end of the cultural spectrum,” said the patient’s doctor, Edna Statz. “Sung in a round is best.”


Tom Society Saves Another Tom

The local Tom chapter was proud to announce this morning that they’d saved another Tom. The group showed slides outside of City Hall and handed out coffee, while taking donations for the newest addition to the Tom Shelter. Chapter leader Winnie Wainwright gave a speech over gusting winds

“Citizens will be relieved to know that another Tom is safe today. It was pretty close for this fella,” said Wainwright. “It took several dedicated individuals to pry his name from him, but when they figured out he was a Tom, they called immediately.”

Not much is known about Tom at this time, as he is still undergoing tests. But it was clear that help was needed.

“You see a lot of Tom’s come through with a real bad Tom-issues, it breaks your heart,” said Agnes Bartholomew, triage worker at the St. Thomas’ Center for Toms. “But you know, I see a lot of them walk out wearing smiles, and that makes it all worth it.”

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