Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - Your dog’s sad howls will never make him much of a crooner, but you already told him that when he left your metal band. 

Taurus - The only reason nobody’s interested in your homemade cure for dermatitis, is that you keep showing them your grisly armpit.

Gemini - What you used to think of as inner dialogue will turn out to be more like talk radio with a lot of guest callers.

Cancer - The picnic was a romantic idea but you should’ve put some food in the basket.

Leo - It ain't so bad to drink from the bottom of the barrel; that’s where all the nutrients are. 

Virgo - As the villagers kindly saw you to the gates with all your luggage you couldn’t help but ask again about that $11.

Libra - They say gravity pulls us down but does it not pull us up? Does a cold rain burn? What is the meaning of these things? 

Scorpio - “Incompetence” and “Horror” are two words used to describe your handling of the whistling garbage disposal. 

Sagittarius - Sure, you’ll return to work, as long as you get to wear a bathrobe and helmet. 

Capricorn - You will inherit a great fortune. Wait, the stars messed that one up. A great misfortune. 

Aquarius - Thankfully you got a five-minute window to fix your tourniquet while the wolf packs fight each other. 

Pisces - People have recently started saying you look like Simon Cowell, but you’re not sure that’s a good thing.