People ruminate in this town when the summer heat starts cookin’ the eggs. I hear it every year. Some up-town soap factory junkie starts spreadin’ news that I’m all about the cash. The dividends. Me? Feck, do I look like I’m takin’ home coin? You think I have diamond teeth, and a Rolls Royce behind that Superbird? Just think of it, Purp, a bull-headed bourgeois suit who’s just out to stiff a whole congregation of purp lovers? Well, that ain’t Purp. Mm-mm, no way. I respect the purp and I heed the purp, and my friend, my philanthropy will not go un’reckonized. 

Don’t forget the times that you needed that purp, my friend. Who gave you that purp? Who extended a helpin’ hand, even when you couldn’t help yourself to purp, not even a scant crummert from your own overturned and ransacked apartment? Who gave you discount smells of pure purp on the lowest day of your life? Whose purp was waiting in the bowl when you cried out for purp? Who opened your letters with qualifying Purp Program applications and processed them quickly, in order to get you all of the tax-subsidized purp and purp accessories you were entitled to? Did your neighbor, your brethren, have the same success during their purp acquisition? Who purchases and services their purp?

Did I mention smells ain’t free? I may be a saint, but I ain’t the messiah, Homes. Pass me some gold, brethren, I saw your eyes sparkle and face glow  just now. Not ready to pay? I’m puttin’ er down on my notes payable ledger, hear? With interest.

Now where were we? Ah, yes, my charitable constitution.

I didn’t invent purp! It’s the purp! But philanthra-purp was always my precious. My brainchild. Mine to champion, son. Rich, poor, up, down, sideways, we all need purp, and after all, my gift to the world is purp. 

I got that purp, I always had that purp. You know that, they all know that. But keeper of the purp is a divine appointment, it’s a sacred trust from the feckin’ universe, and that’s why it’s my purp to give, not mine to keep. Reckonize that!

Like I said, y’all need that purp? I got that purp. I got that right here. 

 

Bertrand DePurp is owner and curator of Purp’s Purp, and adjunct professor at CannaTown University.