CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune!
Aries - Your name will be added to a terrorist watch list for your egregious use of such deadly-stupid puns.
Taurus - The Journal of Medicine will soundly reject your paper on licks required to reach a Tootsie Pop center on the grounds that it sucks.
Gemini - With all the bugs scrambling to get in due to cold weather, it’s definitely time to call the exterminator about your dreadlocks.
Cancer - The downside to pizza for breakfast--as your fellow bus-riders are about to learn--is that it causes terribly foul, immediate gas.
Leo - You're so proud of your Animal Crossing farm that you can't wait to tell all of your no friends.
Virgo - Long overdue, this is finally the year to turn the family get together into a basement fight club.
Libra - The last thing you'll perceive before going down in history is that there's not enough pie here to feed the millions of ants marching hither.
Scorpio - Your dreams of royalty will come true when others start calling you "Your Highness" for skating into all the orange cones.
Sagittarius - Time to the face the music: you can either buy one pair of suspenders, or like, ten new pairs of pants.
Capricorn - You idiot, you’re not supposed to rip the teabag open.
Aquarius - You're not sure why, but nearly everything you've eaten recently tastes like bad breath.
Pisces - Despite the touching dreams of your nieces and nephews, NASA will never celebrate your tenure in pizza delivery with a ceremony and keys to the rocket.