Numbed by unfolding events, a city turns to Disney+ and Call of Duty

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Cannatown’s gross domestic product has fallen to a new record low, according to the Department of Mindful Activity in a new report out Friday. According to the statistics, productivity has fallen 85% from normal levels to a stunning, complete lack of fruitful activity, thanks to Disney+ and Call of Duty, as a disaffected, comatose-to-the-world public escapes from the pressures of life en masse. 

“All private sectors are down” said DMA director Theresa Lawrence, noting that government institutions have been hit even worse; her very department closed “indefinitely” immediately following the interview. “But at least my kill-per-death numbers put these pimply little noobs to shame,” she concluded.

For Lawrence and others like her, the recent outbreak of bleary-eyed, hazy despair has boosted the success of Call of Duty, which now claims the attention span of nearly a third of the population in Cannatown, and across the globe. Research shows that the only ideology uniting all peoples, races, cultures and religions, is the desperate, hypnotic addiction to an escape wherein one can murder senselessly, not only devoid of repercussions, but complete with player rewards such as clown-camoflauged machine guns.

Meanwhile, another sizeable chunk of redirected interest has gone to Disney+, which, by some estimates, gained 43 billion viewers over the weekend. Local citizen Ed Muntz says he is hiding away from headlines of impeachment, genocide and unrest with his new subscription, and looks forward to spending at least “4-5 hours each day” catching up with mind-soothing nostalgia that will draw his focus away from the most inane and soul-sucking reality coming from all sides. “Look, I found Fuzzbucket and the old Bogedy movies,” he said. “This year might just turn out to be ok after all.”

Fluppy Dogs would really make all the other B.S. worth it,” he added.

Still, the report suggests that it is only a matter of time before the content wears thin, and reputable beloved icons become destroyed by after-school Disney subplots. At that point, the question is whether citizens will be forced back into the real world to face the tumult. “If I didn’t have this bowl of Golden Goat, and Flight of the Navigator right now,” said Muntz, “I’d probably be over in that corner, crying to myself and stock-piling a cache of weapons.”

Although the study, and this article, will remain largely unread as readers instead choke on the ashes of a totally annihilated republic, research shows even more public attention could be diluted if the two concepts -- Disney and Call of Duty-- could somehow be combined.

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