Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - So you want to become the Johnny Appleseed of cannabis. There's no reason that the Unemployment Office should be angry. 

Taurus - You will dress up the lone survivor of your rabbit-scoured garden, Zuccini Henry, in googly-eyes and top hat, and spare his life. 

Gemini - The difference between you and a real lumberjack is, real lumberjacks chop down wood, not other stuff made from wood .

Cancer - You're still a little distracted because you can't stop thinking about how cheap the store was selling that mince meat.

Leo - It's times like these that you wish you hadn't driven off the mountainside and gnawed your own leg off to get free from the wreckage.

Virgo - Like a rose on a cloud, the souring funk of your basket-dried clothes will pierce the aroma of the pigsty you just awoke in.

Libra - As you hug the leaves in wonder of Autumn, you'll be horrified to find they are all, in fact, big freaking slugs, and not leaves.

Scorpio - This week be prepared to exchange that Blanquette de Veau, red Bordeaux and gâteau Basque for a ham and cheese Lunchable. 

Sagittarius - Friends don’t push friends out of moving cars, then make love to their spouse and burn their house down.

Capricorn - You’d be a lot higher if you saw the bowl as half-packed instead of half-cashed all the time.

Aquarius - This might be the skunk rosin talking, but your mullet is not complimented in any way by those horizontal pinstripes.

Pisces - The only thing worse than blazedly ripping off a scab you mistake for a giant bug, is doing it again 45 minutes later.