Former captain of the city horseshoe team, Stiggy Fezertz, says he is staging his own version of Twitter, called "Truedatyo." The website's launch would make it only the 1,562,432,390th such alternate version of the social media giant, whose followers now outnumber the global population. Even prior to formally opening for users, blazed cadets looking for cat photos at 3am managed to find the site, sign up as Stiggy Fezertz and a slew of other former team captains, and openly mock Fezertz on his own profile.

Not to be outdone, Fezertz promptly set his computer ablaze, then bludgeoned it apart with hatchets. While it fixed the problem at home, he would later find every other device was able to access the publicly-viewable insults, and has since gone into hiding. Meanwhile, developers point out that Truedatyo appears to be the actual Twitter platform--website, mobile application, even, matching proprietary code library, except with the Truedatyo logo printed in red, white and blue. "Only half of the icons have been replaced," said web engineer Sinez Larson. "It's clear, when you see the little bird thing all over the place, this is literally Twitter. Like, they illegally copied it. Maybe even copy-pasted it."

Although the launch was a brief hit with investors, some wonder how the business will survive, but some point out that the model itself will force evolution. "Most likely, as with Fezertz' other ventures, his next move is probably to sue Twitter for trademark infringement," speculated Cannatown University Finance Professor Brenda Morey. "Litigation is the new model. Not rebranding."

Fezertz' office responded to inquiries with a type-written letter stating: "We are not sure what the problem is, since Mr. Fezertz was so influential in the original invention of social media, and we have the tippity-top, bestiest best social media in the whole worldy-world."
 

New Bomb-Sniffing Dogs in Town Sniff Out Bomb Reefer

If you've encountered dog walkers struggling to keep their grasps on incessantly-barking dogs, followed by small gangs of what appear to be detectives and investigative journalists furtively writing and photographing as they dive down alleys, then you've likely been witness to the new bomb-sniffing canine unit currently training in town. New security funds have allowed for the prioritization of such extra measures. "Basically these dogs can smell 'da bomb' alot more clearly than the rest of us," says trainer Christ Shrofe.

"They have a knack for uncovering the dankest, bombest weed in the vicinity, something most other animals can't do, with the exception of Wes who works in the mail room." The city is committing to a 1-year program to sniff out, identify, propogate and roast any and all bomb strains growing in city gardens and common areas. "This is ambitious," Shrofe says, "but dogs like Cocoa here can smell skunky kind bud up to a mile away."