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November 10, 2022

Stubborn Train Rider Refuses to Step Down

A train rider asked to depart a train car at line’s end, says he is refusing to step down. Claiming to be the victim of an ill-functioning public transportation system, a trenchcoated man asking to be called “Perkins” has been shouting at any crowd that will stop and listen. Meanwhile, officials are quietly discussing how they might even get the train up and moving again, even with Perkins parked atop one of the few platform stools.

“Our sentiments are off the record, but our official statement is, ‘Screw this Guy,’ says cheef platform manager Jessie Nuffgrass. “You can put it in print, or, we also made Tshirts.”

It’s not entirely clear what Perkins needs or wants, as he seems to lack the ability to form coherent sentences or even form logical arguments. When asked what the problem was with the train he’d ridden, he began waxing about “aliens in the rafters” and “computer chips with vaccines in them.” Everything, he says, is a shadowing vengeance punishing him and his family by having the train end predictably and fairly, for him in particular.

“This is where the train stops for everyone else,” Nuffgrass noted. “This guy’s crazy if he thinks it’s gonna keep going just because he’s embarrassed to get off.”

“It’s only fair man,” Nuffgrass added, telling Perkins to “get the hell off his soapbox.”

A few train conductors are working out plans to move the train a few feet at least so that those who need to ride again can get going. But they are unsure how Perkins will react, once he cannot re-enter the train again without stepping down off the stool. “At that point, if he dies on that little hill of his, so be it, “Nuffgrass said. “We made a Tshirt for that one too.”

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