Terrible Crappy Boat Finally Sails Again

Dispatches from the Highlands

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The SS Shitface, a shitty, run-down shrimping boat that became wedged in the Susie Q Sandbar and nearly cut off traffic to indispensable “Free Hash Island,” has been finally refloated, authorities reported on Monday.

The crappy old trawler sailed north to the Great Hitter Lake in the east Highlands, and will now “technically” undergo an inspection. “That’s code for, one massive hookah session with everyone tossing in their own crop, while the boat sits at a dock,” an insider told Dispatches

Earlier on Monday the Cannatown Cannal Authority said the ship had “responded to the yanking and bludgeoning maneuvers of a small army of front-loaders, driven by ‘somewhat moonshot operators’ eager to get to the free hash on the other side.”

The SS Shitface is one of the most neglected, despicable boats in the world. The one-ton vessel is able to carry roughly ten people and about 20 crates of fish or lobster, and, stretching more than 40 feet, is almost as long as a tree is tall. 

The ship, which ran aground over a decade ago, created terrible disruptions in the free hash supply, especially the connections directly routed through the narrow sandbar connecting Free Hash Island with Cannatown’s 'SupYo' District. 

Around 56% of Cannatown’s free hash passes through or around the sandbar, and locals had gone to all lengths--typically climbing over the smelly, vile old ketch with their own ladders, or nearby pieces of driftwood--to conquer the obstacle. It made the return traverse notoriously treacherous for those whose pockets and carryalls were stuffed to the brim with fresh, fine hash and temple balls. 

Bernie Shootie-Shipmanagymoo, acting captain, originally told officials the boat ran aground due to heavy fog. Over the next couple of months, it became clearer that the actual location of the fog may have played a role in the ship’s deviation--namely, that it was inside the bridge, from some pretty thick rips of White Widow. 

Expert salvage crews were initially called in to help refloat the ship but the project quickly veered off-course and became forgotten as the workers, their friends, families, and then, everyone else, became aware of and mesmerized by all the heaps of free hash just beyond the work site.

Although the boat has finally been freed, those hoping to find happy trails on the sandbar still have to scale the mountain of mud loosened during the operation. But 19,000 citizens have lined up, and are determinedly making their way across the thin stretch of gravel, onto Free Hash Island.

“Even though I miss Ol' Shitface, I say good riddance,” said free hash aficionado Ronny Gregio, a Cannatown resident who used to pole vault over the wretched old junk heap. “That stupid boat. It was the worst watercraft I’ve ever seen.”

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