The Dispatches Guide to Workplace Success

The Dispatches Guide to Workplace Success

May 1, 2019

Summer is almost here! And with it, comes the annual hiring season and job fairs as Cannatown’s top employers search for the best cann-didates! Some will start as resin-scrapers or bong-loaders, or take seasonal gigs like playing reggae on the boardwalk, while the newest grads from Cannatown University may go into botany and seed banking. We asked local employee support advisor Greta Fiedler to help guide your job search and workplace success.

Make sure you can do the job - The first step is to apply-- and remember to seek positions within your skillset. “Even if you’re applying for the position of bong-swabber,” Greta says, “don’t apply to jobs you couldn’t do when couch-locked or soaring on wax, completely sideways.”

Go to interview, not a first date - Sometimes employers don’t want to get too “cozy” right off the bat. “Don’t divulge too much information,” Greta advises. When asked about favorite things to smake, mention cannabis, wax, even indica/sativa preference, “but please don’t list all your favorite strains,” she says. “Employers want those kinds of things to develop over time through relationships forged through team-smaking and drum circles.”

Negotiating salary is rough - The salary question can be completely and utterly terrifying. “Most of us know how much bud we’d like to take home each week, but keep in mind the quality and potency at your last job may greatly exceed it, or pale in comparison. Ask yourself, “Is this a place that looks like it can afford to pay the big buds?” If the answer is Yes, then bring out your stash and offer to match bowls immediately.

“I’ve never hired someone I haven’t smaked with,” Fiedler adds.

Ask those burning questions - Don’t feel afraid to ask the questions that many employees don’t: Is the payment-bud good this week? How are the hash benefits? Is it BYOC at the company parties, or do they supply flower? Can we pack the company bubblers with our personal stash (and if so, do we have to share it with everyone in the vicinity?). Creating a relationship based on trust is crucial, and the best way to do it is often around a giant hookah, roasting through an entire ounce of Durban Poison together.

Show up on the first day - “Even for the dingiest, worst jobs like working the bong water pipeline, employers expect people to show up,” Fiedler says. “Many employees are surprised to find they’ve been fired, simply for not showing up for a couple of weeks -- but that’s the reality of the modern workplace.”

Always look sharp - Keep an emergency grooming kit in your desk. “You’d be surprised, you’ll need it, and you’ll be glad you did, for a quick toothbrush, deodorant, hairbrush or shave” says Fiedler. But she warns it can become a dangerous crutch. “When you realize you’re getting dressed and groomed at work instead of home, it can be a sign that you should space out your wake-n-bake puffs.” Fiedler recommends one puff at breakfast, and another after you’ve reached your workstation.

Breakroom etiquette is classy - Donut day can be the easiest teller of who has the worst munchies. Make you move stealthily, via back stairwell if at all possible. If there are several types of donuts to choose from, do not eat all of them. Do not eat bites out of some of them, and do not “accidentally” graze them with your finger tips so you can sample the frosting.

Let technology know who’s boss - Every now and then, smack the computer hard with a hammer. Then peer over the cube and ask your neighbor if their computer makes that sound too. If you do have to call the IT help desk due to any malfunctioning equipment, make sure to attempt preliminary troubleshooting, by plugging it in first, and pressing the “On” switch.

Video-conference like a pro - Whenever sitting in a busy video conference, remember to click the mute button when you hit that bubbler. Statistically, a majority of polled managers say it’s a huge turn-off, distracts others, and can be especially jarring when someone starts choking on the rip on a hot mic.

Don't give bad presentations - Presentations should not be blank, and they should have words. “Otherwise, they tend to be even more boring than usual.” If nothing else, colleagues generally love colorful pie charts because they “give people the munchies for rainbow pizza.”

Get to know your fellow employees - At the first smell of skunk in the cubicle next door, make sure to introduce yourself, says Fiedler. “This is something you should do, generally in life, with anyone near you. But it goes especially far in the office, when co-workers often don’t reach out to let others they need help roasting through an entire fat spliff at lunch.”

Show management you can puff - Sometimes the best way to shine is to show executives just how much you can rip it. “Many executives bring out huge giant bongs at meetings and flaunt their gigantic plumes. If the employee can humbly request to take the reins of the bong, then, in that moment of spotlight, rip a huge plume themselves without puking all over the floor -- they can float right up the ladder.”

“I see it all the time,” Fiedler added.

Write, then re-write - Remember, the first time you write any email or report, it will phenomenally bad, really, really bad. Throw it away. Re-write it. Then throw that away too. “Keep on writing, then throwing away, writing and throwing, repeating the cycle, until you quit or get fired.”

Get that raise - If your work isn’t generating a fair share, say something. Sometimes employers won’t have a readily accessible crop to toss you, but there may be other side perks that will make your time worth it, like extra corporate rosin and brownies. If you’ve gotten the best crop, smake, vibes and memories you can get, maybe it’s time to cash out.