The Local Shelli's: Biggest Award Night in Cannatown

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Billed as the “smallest big event in The Highlands,” the “Shelli’s” kicked off Sunday afternoon, attracting a tiny green-carpet crowd eager to get a glimpse of the biggest names in Shelli-world. In all, about twenty Shelli-stars congregated at the gazebo in Hashbury Park, and ignored the dawdling crowd, as they looked and spoke only to themselves.

As usual, the annual ceremony kicked off with the sanctioned hour of back-patting. Then emcee and founder Shelli Cloverton got up to announce the first award, Best Dressed, going to none other than Ms. Shelli Cloverton, also a long-standing tradition. “I’m just so proud of myself,” she told onlookers. “When it comes right down to it, the person that inspires me most is, humbly-speaking, me.”

For the third year in a row, “Best Publication” again went to Bud Finkel, who operates The Slimy Slughorn using an old copier in his garage. He could hardly muster his humility. “I want to thank the Shelli Academy for this Shelli, which recognizes our company’s accomplishments and merits,” he announced, “and is in no way connected to my reserving of this venue for the evening. Or paying for all those commemorative brochures. Or picking up the tab at Denny’s last Thursday. Or the dry cleaning.”

Other winners were widely anticipated and went to known Academy favorites. Dana Berkeley won “Best Dana” for the second year running, while “Best Saint” went to Shelli’s ex-boyfriend James, who has been helping her pay rent. 

Local quintet Patti and The Chins took “Best Song” for Cornucopia of Love, which has gotten, by some counts, at least one million plays on Shelli’s record player for reals.   

All eyes were on “Best Companion,” which came down this year between childhood friend Gail Weathersbow and an unnamed representative of Volcker Vaporizers, a potential client from Shelli’s Rolodex. “I’ve been trying get them to hire me as a consultant for years, and let’s just say, this will hopefully help seal the deal,” Shelli explained, as she went on to hand off the Shelli-shaped trophy to an anonymous employee in Volcker uniform.

The awards ended with “Best Cannatown Company,” which again, went to Bud Finkel. “This is a huge surprise,” he said. “And in no way associated with my 12 installments of $420 paid directly to Shelli.”   

Not all winners were elated, such as “Best Chef” Verna Taylor, who catered Shelli’s birthday party and has not yet been paid. “She actually asked me to cater this one too,” said Taylor, “and when I asked about the other balance, Shelli quickly changed the subject and told me I’d actually won a Shelli.”

“I showed a few friends,” Taylor added, “but come on, we all know these ‘cannabis’ awards are pretty much worthless, right?”

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