It’s political convention season in CannaTown, and the chodes have come to roost! Just as in old times, the two major competing political parties in the town, Indicrats and Sativaclans, will vie for the position of Head Gardener in the CannaTown public fields. The prospective victor will work together with City Council and Mayor 's Office to help the town prosper through increased yields and efficient bud distribution. “People have never needed to smake so bad,” the Mayor remarked during a press conference. “It’s imperative we pick the right person.”
   However, this year presents a puzzle of an election, given the two parties are working with the most historically-controversial picks they have ever put forward. Let's look at the conventions going on and the upward battles both candidates, and their supporters, face.

The Indicrats & Rip Van Dankle - Following a disastrous debate performance in which the candidate believed himself to be in his bathtub, incumbent Rip Van Dankle has been on shaky ground with the electorate. Flash forward to the convention this week, when it was discovered that Van Dankle had smaked far too much. Attendees are desperately attempting to revive their couchlocked candidate, who, reports claim, has been near-comatose for weeks. He responds to jabs with dull, lifeless eyes that seem to infer something is going on inside, but only on a level just above braindead. 
   The convention agenda has shifted from policy, to merely trying to wake the candidate, who has been moved to a bed from the couch. He was high, and then got higher, woke up momentarily, and then was passed, like, a huge steamroller with ounce-wide bowl, and he went absolutely sideways. For a while he was just half-eyed. But every snore was a reminder that he was higher than the stratosphere and sleeping just as deep.
   A steady stream of speakers has been shouting at Van Dankle from the stage for several hours. Attendees have tried to revive him with a dancing monkey, and also threw him off the roof in a lawn chair. Electroshock has not been ruled out. Some are considering a Weekend from Bernies ruse, or some type of Being John Malkovich puppetry, in order to get past election day. But critics warn it’s too little too late. “Everybody knows hes a brick," said one pollster. "The writing's on the wall.”
   Undecided voters say the ambiguous competence makes them wonder whether Van Dankle is capable for being at the helm of a mite war, should it come to that. But he hasn't been able to answer even basic questions like his name or what day it is, or where he is, due to the general unconsciousness. 

The Sativaclans & Darnell Chump - Meanwhile, Sativaclans are trying to mollify their paranoid, deranged, angry candidate who had way too much Golden Goat and aims to take a wrecking ball to the City Council office. “He toked too hard,” said his former assistant, Miles Longer. "He's out of control." Chump has made news almost daily for the past couple weeks with wild theories about electric planes, dodo birds and faucets dripping groovy waves like a Beatles cartoon. He told followers at the convention today that he was injecting pure Pop Rocks (“because they rock”) into his blood to stave off syphilis that he got while constructing a fence on his huge ranch. “I don’t even own a ranch, but I once broke a horse’s back. That’s a true story," Chump said. "His name was Robbie. Robbie Jackson! Robbie doesn’t trust solar because it literally means we can’t use useful things at nighty-night." 
   Chump has even embraced the rumors that he has the most unimaginable hunger ever, telling supporters, "They're the best munchies you can get." 
   However, Chump's main issue, other than reportedly stinking like ganj, is anger management. He plans to burn all books that don't have pictures, and bomb a few towns. If given the opportunity, he intends to outlaw vegetables, poor people, orcas, nanotechnology, and criticism of Darnell Chump.   
   Undecided voters say the impulsive, unpredictable behavior means he’d be capable of starting nuclear fiasco for the hell of it, which would be absolutely bad for the city's cannabis. 
   "Thankfully this is just for a head gardener job," said an anonymous volunteer. "God forbid any of these candidates would actually be in the running for leader of the free world."