May 25, 2023

The Myriagon, Cannatowns’ military unit, is “investergating” a growing number of cases of UFOs and currently tracking some 420 events, head of the responsible agency told a canngressional committee on Wednesday. But Kirk Seanpatrick, director of the All-Seeing UFO Office, also hoped to shed some light on what’s behind the increase in sightings, telling them, “I have no f*cking idea.”
   The unexplained incursions have left Cannatown’s leadership worrying that floating nefarious vehicles may be operated by adversaries, in particular, possibly Resinville, or Mt. Durban, the sister city that’s been chasing down some money loaned to Cannatown decades ago.
   Seanpatrick said that about half the reports have been prioritized for more research because they’re a little bit mind-blowing. “In one case, a person just spontaneously combusted. Who does that?” he said. “And these huge crop circles where they’re stealing all the nugs in a huge field? It’s inhuman.”
   During his testimony, he screened home videos of three declassified incidents recorded by military drones. The first video, showing a giant oblong spheroid in the air, seemed to bump into a barn as if backing up and trying to park. The second video showed a snippet of laser Pink Floyd at the Pantages, and the third, a shiny cube seemingly bouncing around in the clouds like a die among cotton balls.
   “That’s the one I can’t stop watching,” Seanpatrick told the audience. “I’m gonna post it on Reddit’s r/OddlySatisfying tonight.”
   However the director was sure to state that they’d found absolutely no credible evidence of alien activity, to a certain degree of spite, mostly because the vast majority of active cases ended up in having to clean detritus hanging from power lines like balloons and shoes. Such excursions were a major source of burnout for agents, he said.
   Only a small percentage of the cases could reasonably be called really really strange he argued. It was quite the turn from the same person who, along with co-author Allison Bundy, published in February a theory that the recent UFOs are probes from a mothership somewhere in our solar system. “I should probably come clean and let you know that, when I came up with that theory, I’d been smaking a large wad of Cat Piss wax and my neighbor was skeet-shooting the lids of his garbage cans as I was passing out in the garden,” Seanpatrick explained.
   Interest in his office grew when a spy balloon--now known to be Ernie Mills on a lawn chair--was shot down over Cannatown airspace but went largely undetected due to “an office luncheon.” Is there technology out there that could be used against us? a canngresswoman asked the director. “Absolutely,” he replied. “Was it Ernie? No, God rest his soul.”
   Here are some other incidents brought by whistleblowers that Seanpatrick sought to address:

“Whistlegate” - In the morning of Nantucket 11th, the quiet community of Creeper Knoll awoke at 4:20 in the morning to the sound of angry, otherworldly whistling. “It was a violent thrashing, like a machine being executed,” one neighbor quipped on national television. But the military unit concluded there was no such alien attack or frequencies recorded. When they looked further, it appeared that a well-known character Wacks McTom had accidentally dropped an operational circular saw down his own chimney as he worked on his roof. “We told him he was a stupid bastard,” Seanpatrick reported.

"The Egg of Earwax" - Citizens of Earwax called authorities through the night to report a giant floating egg in the vicinity. At first, claims were dismissed, because they coincided with a Vanilla Kush festival and subsequent reports of elves and fluorescent cats. But several people filmed the egg knocking down festival lights as it flew sideways through the downtown and toward the mall. Seanpatrick says the agency cracked the egg case the next day when they found it in a dumpster behind a locally-recognized college party house. One resident, Patricia Cake, admitted to turning her drone into the egg-shaped projectile using foam and duct tape. And all for a Tik Tok video.

"The Flying Man of Constantine" - The infamous Flying Man of Constantine Hill turned out to be Jeff on his jet pack. “We’ve told him to tone it down some, and in particular, to stop flying over Betty Marcus at her bus stop around 6pm because it freaks out that sweet old lady.” Jeff was just trying out his KMart jet pack and was responsible for many complaints during the first half of last year. But that had abruptly ended after a tragic incident, Seanpatrick explained, and offered a moment of silence.

"The Shiny Orbs of Wonder"- One of the most memorable recent interactions with the public and unidentified objects came during the Summer Solstice parade at dusk in lower Reeferbrook, where thousands witnessed floating antigravitational orbs of varying sizes. Conspiracy theorists took it to mean the end of the world, while others tried to seize upon the zeitgeist of the moment with book and movie deals. “We actually found out the orbs belong to the army base nearby,” Seanpatrick explained. “Not that anyone communicates stuff like that around here. Turns out they were not only Army orbs, but they’ve had them for years.”

When pressed for examples of measures taken to protect Cannatown against possible attacks, none could be given, although Senior Lieutenant Kathy Howard did handily point out that its main defense system--citywide dabbing of large reserves of wax--would suffice for almost any invasion, as it has in the past. “Do you remember when Stem Gulch tried to steal our prize Haze from our town square? They ended up high as kites and splurging at the gift shop," she recalled. "Now that’s firepower.”

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