Ah, Christember! The time of the year when Cannamas cheer inspires a passion in us to smake, and to smake with our fellow Cannatown neighbor! The month of Christember is an eternal thirty-day (in olden speak, from Dec. 15-Jan 15) holiday celebration. Cannatowners are invited to move their birthdays to Christember symbolically or realistically to prolong the partying and smake more. A person born June seventh celebrates his birthday on Christember Seventh (or in olden speak, Dec. 22).
Cannamas was hailed by Cameron Sheikoslami as “The most magical time of the year.” With Ziploc Bags hung over the fire with care, and a Cannamas shirt on the tree, any cadet will begin to feel the magic Christember 25th, when they open their presents from Jolly Ol’ St. Nickeljoint. The legend of Nickeljoint originated in Amsterdam, where an old, stoned man began celebrating the holidays by blowing his bonus on the most potent cannabis in the world and going on a month-long binge, giving out satchels and nugs to his dearest friends as the festivities and popularity grew. Decades and thousands of trips later, the story of St. Nickeljoint continues to inspire cadets all over the world to be good in hopes of getting the seasonal hookup.
It is a mystery where Nickeljoint lives, or if he actually exists, but there have been sightings over the years, namely throughout the Highlands, and even a CIA probe. In modern times, “Brotha Cannamas” comes by on the night of the 24th, with rosin pops, ganjdrops, sugar plumes and Candyland cones, along with bags of blunts and spliffs for 'kind' cadets--and stems and pipe resin for naughty people. As the tradition goes, cadets leave out Red Bull and Altoids, maybe some brownies and leftover pizza in the fridge, for the ever-disoriented benefactor and his stunningly-ripped reindeer friend, Rupert.
Read below for more folklore and Christember artifacts collected by the Editors over the years.
First published in the CannaTown Register, 1897
I am 18 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Saint Nickeljoint. But my homie said, “If ya see it in Cannapages, it is so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a St. Nickeljoint? - Virginia O’Green
Those skeptic dudes are are wrong. They’ve been affected by the total drag of the downer age. They do not believe except what they smake. They think that nothing can be, which is not smake-able by their little bowls. All bowls, Virginia, whether they be men’s, or women’s, are little. In this great Canniverse of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, especially when medicated.
Yes, Virginia, there is a St. Nickeljoint. He exists as certainly as sparkling flower, and hash oil, and keef-rolled wax-infused doobies, and you know that these things abound and give to our life its highest, highest joy. And munchies.
Alas! How big a bummer, would be the world if there were no St. Nickeljoint! As much a drag, as if there were no Virginias! There would be no illustrious highs, no jolts through the atmosphere, bitzkrieg smack-dabs or flying through space to make tolerable this existence. The eternal bowl with which cadet-hood fills the world, would be cashed out, cashed!
Not believe in St. Nickeljoint? You might as well not believe in Rupert the Red-eyed Reindeer! You might get your homies to watch all the couches in town, just to catch Nickeljoint crashing for a few hours, then roasting a bowl before duck-taping Zip-loc bags full of freshly-cured cannabis upon the mantel--but even if they didn’t see this very spectacle, what would that prove?
Nobody sees St. Nickeljoint, not since he gave all his clothes and belongings away on the Amsterdam river flats in the 80’s. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a Nickeljoint. The most real things in the world, are the things you only see when you’re higher than a kite and sitting in your own living room.
Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course you did, we all did, when the Durban Poison wax came through town. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen, unless we keep smakin’ on that wax.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
Only a true, teary-eyed roast can push aside that curtain, to view the supernatural glory of cannabis beyond our wildest dreams. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world, there is nothing else that totally abides so hard.
No St. Nickeljoint? Thank God he lives and he lives forever, up in the Highlands! A thousand years from now, maybe 4 times 20 years from now, he will continue to make glad the hearts of cadets!
Make your way to St. Nickeljoint’s Workshop & Hangout on Canndy Cane Mtn and Bring Your Own Bowl!
Are you ready for the holidays? It’s time to venture to the most famous Growery of all -- St. Nickeljoint’s! Together with the help of his trusty sidekick, Rupert the Red-Eyed Reindeer, Old St. Nickel drives his legendary 1986 Econoline van converted into dab bus, throughout the Highlands during Christember to bring canna-cheer to all.
What do I bring? Don’t be on Nickeljoint’s naughty list and get a satchel of resin on your mantel this year! Remember to bring a fatty bowl to pass! Also make sure to stock up on video games, your favorite movies and munchies, a couple drinks, get out the old record player and string up some lights, maybe an ultraviolet light or two, disposable cell phone, map home, groovy pants and some cheeze whiz. Nickeljoint loves that stuff.
DON’T BE LATE! Last train departs promptly at 4:20 PM from Noid Park Station -- Happy Holidabs!
How do you celebrate Christember? Here is a guide to this most sacred holiday calendar!
Christember Birthdays: The merriest of of unbirthdays! By changing yours and your friends‘ birthdates to this month makes for constant celebration and heavy smaking - which is, after all, the whole point of Christember. For example, Cannapages’ birthday is January 11, which means on the 11th day of Christember (olde December 25th) the birthday is to be recognized.
Chrismacus Festivies: Holy week of prepration before the month of Christember, origin of name unknown.
(1) Christember First: To best enjoy the First day of the Best Month Ever Invented (pending Congressional Recognition), you will have made all the proper preparations during the Festivies and stockpiled enough food and grass for two or three large yeti.
(3) Day of Friends: Spend the day smaking with your friends and head to your favorite glass shops to buy new smakeware for each other to give out on their respective Christember Birthdays (see Christember Birthdays).
(6) St Nickeljoint Day: Help Nickeljoint load his dab bus, to deliver gifts to all good Cadets. You must help, or he will never get on the road.
(10) 8:40 Fast: Begin a fast of all munchies beginning on 8:40pm on Olde Christmas Eve, only to be broken during the next day’s feasts.
(11) St’y High Trial: The Cadets goal here is to stay high all day from sun-up til sundown - this could get precarious on this particular day.
(14) St Stephoffolas Day: Traditionally celebrated at Canndy Cane Mountain in the Highlands, this is the patron saint of smoking in front of people who don’t approve of getting high. Legend has it the term “step off” has direct origins to this saint.
(17) Seventeeve: On this day it is important to turn over a new leaf, or get back to your roots—whatever the reason, it’s time to make a resolution. And during Christember, you can only make one resolution, which is to smake more of the sweet ganj.
(18) Christemberence: Find and smake up the person who first shared with you the joys of Christember, as a thank-you.
(22) Sir Satchelkins Day: Also traditionally celebrated at Canndy Cane Mountain outside of CannaTown, this day commemorates the person who saved the first ever Cannamas. Refering to your bag of weed as a “Satchel” immortalizes this patron saint.
(25) Cannamas Day: Just in the knick of time, St. Nickeljoint finally makes it into CannaTown with his presents - enjoy music and food while he refills on gas and power-naps. Then nugs for good cadets, resin and stems for bad.
(30, 31, 32) Days of Feasts: Three solid days of feasting is the only real way to bring Christember to an appropriate end. And yes. Due to reasons known but never shared; there are 32 days in Christember.