Area Fella Reunited with Prized Vest

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Local fella Brock James is glad to be reunited with his favorite woven vest, after nearly two weeks of searching for the missing garment, which ended up being at the dry cleaner. "At the time I dropped it off, I left no contact information, and I have no recollection of the incident at all. Curse that Alaskan Thunderfudge in my bowl." Brock then took the vest--or so he thought--to the laundromat to clean it. When suddenly he turned around and saw the vest missing, his heart sank. A search party was called out to the coin-operated establishment to check all the washers and dryers, but his load of laundry had somehow disappered.
   "Now we all realize I never even went to the laundromat with laundry--I was just really, really blazed that day, more than ever."
   James reports that 'losing' the vest made it "difficult to smake a bowl at tea-time in true serenity" as part of his identity went missing. "I just love this vest. It completes my persona," he said.
   Luckily, the dry cleaner was able to track down James in a strange series of events that fell into place almost cinematically. "I'm never taking this vest off again," James said, sparking a bowl. 

Authorities Ban Joint Sales after TikToke Incident 

Following a disturbing incident -- in which a TikToke star streamed herself licking some joints from the store shelf, then putting them back -- authorities are putting a temporary freeze on all joint sales. They say the problem is not simply the one incident, but in all of the copycat incidents that have followed. The “Lick The Spliff” challenge, now with over ten thousand submissions, is part of that trend, wherein social media users film themselves performing a similar act of public nuisance on a lids-worth of dank spliffs.
   “I mean, honestly, all my home joints are licked,” said manager Grover Frenchman of Grow & Cut Herbalists. “But I can see, in these times of Covid, you don’t just want, you know, people, goin’ around, just lickin’ all the joints.”
   While no scientific research has been provided on the subject, experts say it’s best to avoid rolls where they sit out in the open like bagels at the grocery store -- or if purchased, it’s best to empty and re-roll in your own paper. “Re-rolling kind of defeats the purpose of selling joints in the first place, so maybe it’s balanced out, like the universe,” said Frenchman. “Pretty groovy."

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