Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - Your support alligator has been extra comforting ever since your support rat turned up missing. 
 
Taurus - That you spent your whole nest egg at the horse track really sucks. That you spent it all on tshirts and bratwurst sucks the worst.

Gemini - It's not like you have to run a marathon, but you should probably get off your ass.

Cancer - Well your Tesla just died again, but you should've known to put it in "baby duck mode."  

Leo - "Jack of all trades" is a strange way to say you're comfortable pooping in squalor. 

Virgo - The answers on your employee application were really smart, especially when you explored the duality of man.

Libra - You will find tonight that a broken nose actually hurts more than a broken heart. 

Scorpio - Only you will go to the grave knowing exactly what you did for a Klondike Bar.  

Sagittarius - Barking like a dog was insufferable. But piddling on the carpet is right out. 

Capricorn - No matter what people say about the latest studies, you want everyone to know you actually are a lazy stoner. 

Aquarius - People might respect you more if you stop wearing that moldy waffle on your head.

Pisces - It ain't just that you somehow walked all the way home in a mystery pair of high heels, but how are you wearing them in the shower?