Cannatown Moves Ahead with Plan to Purchase Greenland

Cannatown Moves Ahead with Plan to Purchase Greenland

August 21, 2019

In an unexpected move, Cannatown city council proceeded forward with their plan to purchase Greenland for a minimal premium. An independent commission concluded their presentation Tuesday night prior to a vote, urging an immediate response to the Kingdom of Denmark’s Craigslist posting. 

“With all this talk, we down at city hall finally looked it up,” reported commission co-chair Wenda Ganjerson. “And the country of Greenland was surprisingly within budget.” Despite early criticism about whether the city would ever really “do anything” with the mostly ice-covered wasteland, officials deemed the project to be a “good direction” for Cannatown and “pretty dope to own a country.”

Harold Gort, councilman, voiced excitement about the opportunities for further growth. “We’ve already talked about putting a few coastal disc golf courses near Myggbukta and Qeqertarsuatsiaat.” Members also discussed a possible Fjord-sledding competition, and holidays on the illustrious Disko Island. “Really, this is some of the most beautiful, uninhabitable land on earth,” Gort told attendees. 

Those listening shared their own mixed feelings on the subject. One resident asked whether the city would ever be able to “bring Greenland nearer to us,” while a private sector representative inquired about setting up a direct totally-high-speed rail.

Regardless the sentiments, the council voted, 20-4 in favor. By Wednesday afternoon, money had already been sent off, and if all goes according to the commission’s plan, Cannatown will assume full legal rights to Greenland as of next week.

Denmark, however, did not respond to inquiries, and has reportedly not sent any official paperwork back. Meanwhile, the colloquial Greenland response has been mum too, as people and businesses have been difficult to reach. Stan and Linda Feldman, proprieters of Godthåbhallens Pizza og Kebab House in Nuuk, insist they have not been notified of any such exchange in sovereignty, and to please stop calling unless you want a kebab. 

City councilwoman Sherri Xavier now worries that Denmark may not have received the funds, due to the way they requested a money order made out to someone named Arlo, and sent to a P.O. box in Resinville. “They’ve received the payment, now we're just waiting for a deed,” she noted. There may be additional processing due to the deal she brokered with the European kingdom, resulting in a drastic price-drop, a windfall for the buyer. “Instead of four payments of $1500, we got it all for a one-time payment of $419.99. Cyber deals, eh?”