News in Brief: Real Moves ID Deadline Approaching

News in Brief: Real Moves ID Deadline Approaching

January 29, 2020

Real Moves ID Deadline Coming Up Soon
Ready or not, the need to get a Real Moves ID will creep up as the October 2020 deadline looms. The Department of Mad Vibes (DMV) warns that each license to groove must have a gold star to signify its realness, unlike previously-issued cards. Few realize the impact of procrastination; after the deadline, dancefloors will no longer accept any other identification that doesn’t jive with standards. That means that anyone without the ID won’t be able to get down--especially not on a soul plane. Restrictions will prohibit would-be rug cutters from trying to bust a move, juke, Harlem Shake, jerk, jig, boogie, hit the quan, Saraswati-bicycle or grind. That includes disco-breakin', moonwalkin', throwin’ down, gettin’ lite, moshing, jazzercise, cookin’ swag, dabbing, ghostin’, flossing or toe-standing. The process takes 45 minutes, says the DMV, but you still have to prove you can groove, and freeze-frame for an ugly photo.

Joyce admits your data has been breached
In a notice posted last night on her own door, Joyce notified those whose data she held that it had been compromised. “Had you not wanted your data breached, you shouldn’t have given it to Joyce,” the note said, followed by an apology and offer of $125, but only for applicants who applied prior to sunrise and didn't mind being paid in invisible money. Although Joyce is not certain how long the data has been exposed, she did acknowledge to confidants that it had been left sitting on the kitchen counter for way too long. "I'm just really not sure how Joyce got my data in the first place, and now I'm afraid at what's being done to it," said frightened neighborhood sweetie, old Ms. Jacobs. "To think that Joyce was just flip-flappin' around with all our data for so long! The horror!" Joyce says security measures have been increased, namely some duct-taped manila envelopes, and a couple of guard dogs who won't be cute puppies forever.

Newest trend: Marshmallow Helmet Yoga
A popular workout that began in the Highlands has made its way into Cannatown: yoga meditation enhanced through the wearing of oversized helmets made from jumbo marshmallows. Terry Squatter, head trainer of Beefy Quads Studio, says classes begin next week and are nearly fully booked. “We’ve found that people will pretty much pay top dollar for any weirdness,” Squatter noted, adding that the studio also hosts nacho cheese vat Bikram, where participants meditate in huge whiskey barrels of lukewarm cheese dip. “Like a clam forming a pearl, the discomfort is really there to spiritually force something beautiful,” Squatter explained. “You will stink like synthetic cheddar for a couple days, but that’s all part of the journey.” If all goes well with Marshmallow Helmet methodology, the studio plans to introduce burro yoga, which requires wild donkeys, and Tax Levy Petition yoga, where participants file various motions to avoid excise expenses while making precise Iyengar poses.

“Media” Company Reaches Mega Milestone
Cannabiz Daily, one of the oldest and longest electronic business spammers in Cannatown, announced that it had reached the 1-million mark on the eve of its 10th birthday. “We are proud to say we today reach over one million junk mailboxes every month, with our unread trivial detritus about things important only to our authors and their friends,” said editor Ernie Junket. The spam, which began with just one computer in a musty basement a decade ago, is now assembled by a whole team of contributors working from their own musty basements. “So many times, we almost gave up and threw in the towel,” says Junket. “But we don’t do it for the money. We do it because we love to spam.”

Town May Have To Go Up For Sale
Many remember that Cannatown Mayor J. Van Cannaby campaigned on the premise that the city would no longer be passing the debt on to the next generation, and paying off the cannabis bill. However, today Cannaby announced that when he went to look at the current debt, it turned out that despite prosperous gardens and good supply of smake for all, the city still owes a ton for cannabis fronted over generations, and occasional  large purchases including entire hash harvests and wax estates. The mayor reported he is looking at all angles of the problem for a solution, including putting Cannatown up for sale to the highest bidder, which “a lot of other towns” are doing these days. “At this point there’s no way we’ll ever pay this bill,” he explained via press release. “Our only hope is to be taken over by some other rich country that will help us manage our money better. And also, give us more money for weed.”

Local fella ready to debate the Mayor
Leroy Bakins of Greenwish Ct. says he is mad, and down-right ready to debate Mayor Van Cannaby in a public forum. The mayor’s office did not respond to inquiries or the road flares.