February Cannascopes

Dispatches from the Highlands

News from CannaTown
Printed bi-monthly in CANNAPAGES Print directory
$4.20 Cents

Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - After unsuccessfully operating your microwave for the last ten minutes, you will realize you've been stonedly setting the clock. 

Taurus - You are sorely mistaken if you think that people are going to forgive your use of "Yeezy" like they did for "Dilly-o." 

Gemini - Be careful what satchels you pass on today, for you know not which satchels tomorrow may sling.

Cancer - When finally you go to spark that all-keef spliff, you'll remember, you already did that 15 minutes ago and damn, was it potent.

Leo - There's no way around it. We all leave a legacy, and yours will be flatulence.

Virgo - To answer their quizzical faces, yes, some of that windswept alley garbage got stuck in your beard.

Libra - There's nothing weird about your gaining fifty pounds during the pregnancy, except that it wasn't your pregnancy.

Scorpio - It'd be difficult to tell how very little you add to society, if you weren't literally live-streaming it all day. 

Sagittarius - You can't tell why, but pizza rolls just taste better when they're scalding your mouth.

Capricorn - Now you know for next time: when you give blood, they don't let you just bring in a bucket of your own.

Aquarius - On today's episode of stoned you, how long does it take to ruin your spouse's entire wardrobe in the washing machine?

Pisces - You're not really sure what to do, but the Alexa has been quietly weeping to itself for hours and you really feel like you should say something supportive.


More Dispatches

Album Notes: Andrew Bird - My Finest Work Yet

Album Notes: Andrew Bird - My Finest Work Yet

March 29, 2019

The latest from Andrew Bird swiftly calls to mind Father John Misty, and that's without…

My Philanthropy Will Not Go Un-Reckonized

My Philanthropy Will Not Go Un-Reckonized

March 22, 2019

People ruminate in this town when the summer heat starts cookin’ the eggs. I hear…

How dare you wreck Rice Krispies Treats

How dare you wreck Rice Krispies Treats

February 7, 2019

To the sniveling cumberworld who made Rice Krispies treats with that store bought…

Sign up

Removing Forum Post

Are you sure?