CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune!
Aries - Your munchies diet is going awesome--you hit your goals eating Twinkie burritos and replacing milk with rootbeer.
Taurus - As you look at the spoon, realize the truth: there is no spoon, just a well-sharpened stick.
Gemini - You will awake from a long, dark sleep to gushing bong water on your lap.
Cancer - Hark! Your spouse approaches, and will surely yell at you for eating fruit snacks and drinking out of the milk carton at 3am.
Leo - The love note you just wrote proves you’re the stupidest person in town, but thankfully she’s into that sort of thing.
Virgo - The trauma of being slimed on Double Dare so many years back probably won’t hold up in court, but your attorney thinks it’s your only hope at this point.
Libra - You bet your whole life savings on bananas. Question is, how to tell your spouse?
Scorpio - Larry is the one you want. It was all his idea. He put us up to it. So sayeth the stars.
Sagittarius - Not in your wildest dreams, did you think you’d be able to wear adult footy-pajamas to a funeral. But the black tie really helps pull it off.
Capricorn - Although it brings you no joy, you can finally admit the Mangosteen is not going to bring back your finger.
Aquarius - Blinded as you may be by the hunger, you’re still pretty sure Jolly Ranchers aren’t supposed to be this soft.
Pisces - Some day, maybe when reading a random fortune in a magazine, it will all just kind of “click,” and you’ll have total clarity about life for no reason. Woah.
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