Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - After unsuccessfully operating your microwave for the last ten minutes, you will realize you've been stonedly setting the clock. 

Taurus - You are sorely mistaken if you think that people are going to forgive your use of "Yeezy" like they did for "Dilly-o." 

Gemini - Be careful what satchels you pass on today, for you know not which satchels tomorrow may sling.

Cancer - When finally you go to spark that all-keef spliff, you'll remember, you already did that 15 minutes ago and damn, was it potent.

Leo - There's no way around it. We all leave a legacy, and yours will be flatulence.

Virgo - To answer their quizzical faces, yes, some of that windswept alley garbage got stuck in your beard.

Libra - There's nothing weird about your gaining fifty pounds during the pregnancy, except that it wasn't your pregnancy.

Scorpio - It'd be difficult to tell how very little you add to society, if you weren't literally live-streaming it all day. 

Sagittarius - You can't tell why, but pizza rolls just taste better when they're scalding your mouth.

Capricorn - Now you know for next time: when you give blood, they don't let you just bring in a bucket of your own.

Aquarius - On today's episode of stoned you, how long does it take to ruin your spouse's entire wardrobe in the washing machine?

Pisces - You're not really sure what to do, but the Alexa has been quietly weeping to itself for hours and you really feel like you should say something supportive.