April 20, 2020

NEW YORK (Snoochies) - Stock Markets went wild today as Hash Oil crashed, prices plunging negative for the first time in Cannatown history. Economic data from Resinville and Sweet-Skunk suggests that consumption is, like, totally weak, as buyers stuck at home cannot access or enjoy the vast surplus.

Most producers, in varying degrees of clarity, have only now just realized that global demand ground to a halt weeks ago, and don't know what to do with nearly a million barrels, creating a glut, if not, slow oozing flood of hash oil in an already saturated market.

"We’re tellin’ people, put it on your bowls, in your spliffs, put that oil wherever you want, on your pancakes for godsakes, just get rid of it!" says Mayor Doug Haas of Canna Prairie, the upscale suburban HOA paradise southwest of city limits. 

Once thought untouchable by the sudden downturn in the ecannamy, the iconic cookie cutter townhomes that dot the landscape are now threatened by a rash of waste from nearby industrial parks. Already, pipelines and abandoned trucks of barrels have made their way into the otherwise pristine neighborhood, dripping the sweet, honey ooze of mind-shattering hash oil.

"All we can do, is smake it to help pass the time" commented local resident, Bartelby Jones, as he took apart his car, piece by piece. 

The impact of the crash, rippling through other markets, could take it all down with. The April  WTF contract fell $4.20, or 4.20% to a discount of 42 cents a barrel at 4:20 p.m. after hitting a nearly cashed -$4.20 per barrel. Kind was down $42, or 42.0% at $420, with a spread between months that was like, super wide or something. 

“I guess it's almost a dream come true,” said Urma Thicke, who said she and husband Wally have been burning the oil ever since it got into the water supply and started coming out of the hose. "I s'pose we should be happy, but part of me thinks, deep down, there might be something wrong about just getting hash oil free out of a hose."

“I hear they’re payin’ people to smake it down where it’s cloggin’ the drains,” Wally Thicke added.

Investors bailed out of the massive April Dabber canntract due to limited cannsumer access. Traders had to decide whether to settle for penny shwag, or roll their positions with wax into a massive blunt. "Obviously we're going off the rails with metaphors, but if anything, we can at least agree that this is terrible," said investor Warren Bongatron. "Make sure you've got seeds in the seed bank, is all I'm sayin."