A local man has broken the record for resin scraped from a glass pipe. Bernie O. Holterman of Puffin Heights lumbered up to the nuggetry weigh station in lower Cannatown yesterday for an official weigh-in and photo op. He told reporters that, as he sat toking on his dirty Sherlock pipe,  he decided to clear it with a little poker to hit better, and next thing he knew, he was pulling pound upon pound from the handheld glass. “It just kept comin’ and comin’,” he told a sizeable crowd at the ceremony, “and I just kept a’scrapin’.”

The previous record for scraped-resin weighed in nearly 40 years ago, when one Justin Lundberg hauled in a 602lb gunk from his dual chamber bubbler. At the time, there was a much larger market for resin-smakers, and the chunk was sold in pieces to nearby derelicts known as ‘Resiners.’

"Were I a younger man I would’ve kept this wad for myself,” he said, then announced he would donate the find to science. He isn’t sure what will come next, but suggested he may see what he can get out of some old spoons in the work shed.
 

Post Office Upgrades to Used Roller Skates

Chad Hawkins at the Post Office Supplies Department is in hot water this week after going through with an order for approximately 420 used pairs of roller skates for postal workers, despite the overwhelmingly better technology available, like electric unicycles and Segways. "What can we say? We just like to kick it old-school," he claimed on Faux News. "Just ask Scarecrow, our head of security."

Hawkins has also been criticized for replacing half of the operations' standard sorting machines with industrial-grade wood chippers typically used to mulch trees. In addition, every third package is now simply set on fire. "These complaints are all political," Hawkins said. "Just because one person is mad about me shredding their mail and then deliverying it months or even years late to the wrong house, and covered in feces, doesn't mean I'm a terrible choice for this job. But haters gonna hate."