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Toast Tower Goes Up in Cannatown

December 28, 2022

Construction has begun on Toast Tower, due to be the largest man-made sky-scraper ever built while completely high. The drafting committee is ambitious, boasting that the high-rise will stretch miles into the heavens, while a contractor speaking under terms of anonymity said he expects it to reach about 60 feet in height. “There’s no way we’re going to get higher than 5 stories,” he told Dispatches in secret. “That’s literally the farthest we can throw a wad of concrete."

Two years ago, a similar endeavor, Hempmarket Landing, reached 48 feet tall, despite plans for shops and condos. The structure, a 16-room silo with no electricity or stairs, was condemned on the day of completion, while cannstruction workers were still cashing the last on-site bowls.

“That project was fundamentally flawed from the start,” the builder told Dispatches. “For instance, the blue prints were drafted on an Etch-a-Sketch. During an earthquake.”

“No one remembered how to work the crane,” he added.

Still, developers for Toast Tower are positive things will work out this time. “We tried out the design with a deck of cards, and it held up extraordinarily well,” said Herbert Jeeves of Bongatron Construction, “The only thing that brought it down was that we needed space for the pizza.”