Search for Huge Missing Nug Finally Ends

Search for Huge Missing Nug Finally Ends

December 3, 2019

Tragically, an hours-long search for a missing nug of Purple Urkle in Wayman’s Field has come to an end. Volunteers from all over the Highlands arrived in droves as news spread that a plump nugget, last seen during a game of Ultimate Frisbee, had disappeared from the pocket of owner Marty Finkelstein. Arms linked and spectacles donned, hundreds of community members crawled every inch of the pasture, eager for even a faint skunky whiff of the flower, but to no avail.

What made the loss more heartbreaking was that the nugget was the last of its satchel. “There’s not even shake left,” said neighbor and circle participant Eddie James, “All we had was that girthy nuggersh. And what nuggersh it was.” Troubled and mentally anguished, Finkelstein had to be clinically sedated after a panicked outburst, and was monitored by medical staff as others combed the area. “This is psychologically overwhelming,” said volunteer coordinator Georgia Stevens. “Really, for all of us who thought we'd be sharing the fatty spliff, this hits pretty hard.”

"But not as hard and good as some Urkle," she added.

Officials say the pickup game began just after lunch; allegedly, the nuggersh was stored in the top pocket of Finkelstein's flannel shirt. He said he caught the frisbee mid-air but nearly landed in fresh cow manure, dodging at the last second in a maneuver that likely dislodged the nug from its secure enclave. When later the group circled around to partake a dank smake, the empty pocket--and satchel, cashed--sent them into sudden panic, each collapsing in their own stead to examine the very ground beneath their feet.

At first optimistic, the setting sun and darkening shadows brought the frenzied effort to its emotional end. A cannabis-sniffing hippie unit was dispatched at dusk but could not catch a scent. Finally, with heads hung low, tears cried and bowls and rolling papers long put away, the onlookers gave up, one by one, heading home in a dreary state of clarity. 

Even if the search was to resume in the morning, history shows that most abandoned or missing nugs have a mere 0.01% chance of not being smaked within 24 hours. “Sure, no Bogart would likely traverse a minefield of cow pies," said Stevens, "but even so, who would want to smake cow pie nuggersh that's been curing all night?”

With hope of recovery all but lost, Finkelstein announced that the fight isn't over. He's vowed to organize a "giant-nug" sized operation--to include rental of a rescue helicopter, and a photo of the humongous nuggersh on the side of Monster Energy cans. According to reports, he is currently drawing up plans over an emergency stash of Scooby Snacks in the bong and will be "getting back to the group asap."