War of Weed was the War Horse to beat at Baltimore’s Preakness Smakes on Saturday, but the truly highest horse was Bongexpress.
The horse pulled one of his signature high moves, accidentally tripping over his own shoes on the way out the door, head-flipping jockey Joint Velazquez straight off. As the jockey called after, shouting “It’s okay folks, he’s just high,” Bongexpress somehow kept up with his peers and ran erratically about the track, eventually crashing again into a hotdog stand after finishing nearly last.
“Classic Bongexpress,” commented trainer Ginny Bedford. “Sour D really gets him going.”
While the horse technically finished the race, he was listed in historical records as High As F***(HAF).
Warrior’s Couchlock dominated for most of the lap, before War of Weed thundered down in the last minutes. He was followed in mere seconds by Everslow and Owendoobie. War of Weed’s win comes after a month of low-paying pet-n-ride gigs at Phoenix Tears Park.
Regardless, Bongexpress is the people’s champion high-horse. Nobody could believe how baked--and determined--he was.
“Curiously, that damn horse, ripped to shreds, still persevered for most of the race, until the last stretch when it suddenly dawned on him that someone was cooking hotdogs,” Bedford reflected. “And he had some mad munchies for those hot dogs.”
The twitsphere was abuzz. Here are some comments posted soon after the event:
"You see a lot of stoned horses at the Preakness Smakes, but nobody ever throws their jockey off, right out. That’s a totally different echelon of high.” - Marjorie Beechum
"Next thing you know, he’ll be blaming it on the 'medicated hay.'" - Harold Voss
"Today I lost my life savings betting it all on Bongexpress, but it sure made for a kick-ass story at the pawn shop." - Mitch Ziegler.
"Dietarily, this is very bad for a horse. Only the highest of equines will eat that many hot dogs. Or any hot dogs." - Dr. Violet Waters
"My hotdog stand is destroyed. Please send money and canned food. Thank you" - Rudy
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