Town’s Newest Planes All Worthless

Dispatches from the Highlands

News from CannaTown
Printed bi-monthly in CANNAPAGES Print directory
$4.20 Cents

Officials are rushing to address growing public outcry over Cannatown’s F-35 program, after new reports that the planes can’t fly. Today it was reported that although this is not entirely true, the planes that can fly do indeed tumble and crash fairly quickly due to “routine stoned-design flaws.” Others can’t accelerate to supersonic speed without shedding parts, starting at as little as one mile per hour.

  The $420 billion F-35 Joint Smaking Fighter program, the most intense weapons programs in Cannatown history, is not new to failure. For over ten years, engineers went through a sort of “Kitty Hawk” phase, attempting to overcome the technical glitches like missing fuel tanks and wheels. But only recently have so many mistakes come to light, despite having been known to Cannatown military and plane maker, Martin Lockweed, who works out of a small garage on Roasted Blvd.

  “For a while I had to build these things with whatever spare parts I could find, because I’d pawned nearly everything,” Lockweed said in a statement. “Plus they wanted, like, 2,000 planes. You tell me where we can get that kind of hardware around here.” Additionally, he’d “lost a really good coupon.”

  The newly-reported issues reveal just how vulnerable Cannatown is to an air attack. According to sources, the vertical-landing plane does so upright, and usually tips onto its back, while the carrier-compatible F-35C suffers from “Category 420” deficiency, meaning it is not at all carrier-compatible, nor will it ever be used in a mission. Meanwhile, the F-35EZ “just kinda sits there” and “smells like cheese curds.”

  The military has limited pilots from getting into the planes, because it really isn’t worth the time. “It is infeasible to think that these planes could be used for anything other than paperweights, or straight-to-museum artifacts,” states a lawsuit directed at Mr. Lockweed. “Some clearly have no engines.”

  The F-35 program and Office of Defense did not respond to inquiries, although loud bubbling and coughing could be heard behind smoky locked doors at the Pentaganj.

 

More Dispatches

Album Notes - Cosmo Sheldrake - The Much Much How How and I

Album Notes - Cosmo Sheldrake - The Much Much How How and I

May 13, 2019

Cosmo Sheldrake has an out of this world name to match a sound that seems

Album Notes - Okilly Dokilly - Howdilly Twodilly

Album Notes - Okilly Dokilly - Howdilly Twodilly

April 16, 2019

Alright, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "We finally got some mid-fi new wave…

Performance-Dehancing Substance Use Sidelines Kickballer

Performance-Dehancing Substance Use Sidelines Kickballer

July 5, 2021

Fans were shocked community-wide to hear that Peewee Henderson, captain of the local…

Sign up

Removing Forum Post

Are you sure?

You must be logged in, in order to check out. The login button below will redirecct you back to this menu once done.

Your Order

Are you sure you wish to cancel your order?

What time will this order be ready?

Coupon Adjust