Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - Your reputation may never recover, but at least the baby birds you accidentally sat on will. 

Taurus - Like the Batman, you will learn to personify your biggest fear. But villains will be perplexed by Dying-Lonelyman.

Gemini - You would totally listen to that voice in your head more, if it wasn't always yelling in a foreign language.  

Cancer - Ever since you purchased fine art, you’ve finally felt like an adult. Now to just stop using Sparkle Crest toothpaste.

Leo - You’re no foodie snob, but that is some damn expired milk in your fridge.

Virgo - Everybody wants to meet you! Or, should we say, bring you in for questioning.

Libra - Ever since your carnivorous plant ate a mouse, you've seemed to find it staring at you, eerily abiding the time.    

Scorpio - As the sound echoes across the canyon and ricochets back you’ll realize it isn’t your voice, but a huge buckeye. 

Sagittarius - You might as well go ahead and delete your malware protection since you don’t believe in computer viruses. 

Capricorn - If you hit the brakes now, they might still be able to salvage the road sign. 

Aquarius - You had a great resignation, but you shouldn't have beefed up your resume with raw hamburger. 

Pisces - You've begun history’s worst diarrhea in a dingy gas station commode with no toilet paper. WWIII can come anytime.