CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - As you pack for your vacation, remember that alot of restaurants don’t just let you show up in sweatpants. 

Taurus - You were pretty jazzed when they told you about all the turps in your wax, until you realized they meant toxic paint-removers.

Gemini - Maybe if you wrap a bow on yourself naked for Valentine’s, your girlfriend will just forget about your lack of present while she pukes in the foyer.  

Cancer - Your review of the latest vaporizer will include how it enabled you to finally tell off your mother-in-law.

Leo - You went for the disheveled look, but ended up with the zombie-vagrant on acid look.

Virgo - In the quiet preceding the storm, you’ll notice the murder of crows have pinpointed the crumbs of buttery shellfish upon your lapel. 

Libra - It’s not that this area is a ‘bad neighborhood’ per se, unless you’re weirdly attached to your hubcaps.    

Scorpio - After driving you mad for better part of a week, you’ll finally determine the source of the buzzing noise to be your own mouth. 

Sagittarius - You're not sure what to do about the cobbler elves dwelling in the walls, but might as well start with mousetraps. 

Capricorn - There’s no better time to drive off into the sunset, than when you’re being chased by gigantic sand worms in the dessert after smaking through a jar of rosin. 

Aquarius - Your “Olestra Challenge” ended badly, but at least no one saw you crying in the shower. 

Pisces - In a quest to be a better person, you’ll shed loved ones to earn a fortune, and prioritize spending it on branding yourself, live for your followers.